I found myself missing Morgen this weekend. After 8 months, I have thoughts all the time of how my life would be different, had she survived. I would have three children, not two, and one would be an infant... life would probably be a little more difficult, but I would give anything to have her in our family.

There is a couple in our small group that has a daughter that is EXACTLY Morgen's age, had she lived. I find myself drawn to her, quite often. But, she is her own person, not my daughter, and I am not saddened by her, just reminded of what Morgen would be doing at each stage.

I find so many emotions, some days... Monday nights I go to the gym to work out. That is also Living Alterntives night for the pool. Living Alternatives is a ministry that takes in teenagers that have become pregnant. Early on in my gym time, I would find myself near tears that these young women who made such a mistake could carry their babies to term, deliver them and decided whether they were going to raise them or not. It would make me angry that someone who didn't think about their actions could have the privilege of being a mom.

Recently I found myself staring at the reality that it's not just about them, but the fallen world that we live in. That they don't need my anger or my judgement but my prayers that their future decisions would be better than their past. That God loves them, no matter what, and that I should, too. That I need to pray that their hearts are soft (many of them look SO hard ont he outside), and that they would let down their guard to Christ.

There was another tragedy just after we lost Morgen. A local pastor and his wife lost their newborn son to suffocation just 9 weeks after he was born. I consistently think of them and pray for them when I drive by their church. I want them to know that someone else thinks of their son. That I hurt for them, too...

The pain has lessened... I even have many days in a row when Morgen is not in my conscious thoughts... and that brings on guilt when I remember how long it has been.
What is NORMAL??? Does anyone know??

Balance?

How do we balance taking care of those that are dying IN Christ and those that are dying WITHOUT Christ?

I have noticed, lately, that we spend so much energy taking care of people that are hurting, have cancer, or have some other problem...and they are Christians. As part of the Body, I believe this is essential to fulfill our duties in the Church... to take care of each other.

HOWEVER, it makes me also wonder about how much energy we are expending on making sure that those who are living without Christ don't die without him. Are we doing all we can, praying all we can, to make sure these people, who actually need us more than those in the church do, don't die without that salvation?

I am just as guilty as anyone, maybe more so, knowing that my siblings need Christ, and are making such horrible choices in their quest for happiness...

My questions are: when to open my mouth when they do something destructive, when to risk our relationship, when to keep it shut and make the most of other opportunities... HOW do I approach them about issues, make the most of every opportunity to love them...

Why isn't my heart breaking for them more? Why do I have thoughts that they're just on their own? That nothing I do matters?

Ever since we were kids, I haven't had great relationships with any of them, and when I became a Christian and made other choices than theirs, or questioned their choices, I just became a "priss"...and sometimes called worse than that. I thought when we were adults that would change, but I am so far away from them, and feel like they don't want to hear my point of view, and yet, there are glimmers of hope. They tell me the things in their lives, even when they know I won't agree with them, perhaps testing me to see if I will still love them?

I know God has a plan, and that I and my family are part of it. When Emily was born I felt like God told me that she would be instrumental in their salvation. I pray that when we move closer, that we will have more opportunity to love them closer to Him...

Is it peace that passes understanding...

or is it joy exceeding?? God promised us both, and right now I can't tell which one it is...

In the midst of chaos, God gives and gives... to overflowing. I have such joy, such peace right now... some of that could be that Ethan's surgery is over and he is fine... a little tender/uncomfortable, but fine.

Thanks to each of you that have prayed for our family over these last 7 months... it has been rougher than anything that I could have imagined, and it continues to be a tiresome journey, wiht battles to be won, but it's the battle marked out for us, and we will follow it... and win.

6 Months

It's been six months since I said goodbye. Does that mean that I shouldn't grieve anymore? I guess by reading only this blog, you might think that Morgen is all I think about, and that I must grieve all the time... I DO think about her often. And a lot of the time with a smile. That little girl, though she wasn't full-term and I never got to know her beyond her activity level early on in the womb, still left her mark on history. One day, young women will stop and think about their decision to abort what they think is not even a living thing and their eyes will be opened to the fact that they are carrying a precious part of themselves that has a destiny and a purpose...

I am ever-aware of the multitude of friends that I have that have recently had children, are nearing parenthood, or expecting another child... that isn't what hurts my heart...it's that we were supposed to be doing it together... going thru those things together... if I had remained pregnant, Christina, Kathy and I would have all been pregnant at the same time...something none of us had ever thought possible... as it is, we missed it by two weeks...three tops...

Last night I stumbled upon a notebook that I had been using a while ago... there was a period when I felt the Lord say, "test Me and see that I am God"... so I wrote down some things that I was going to believe Him for.... in particular, I had been worrying about our move and a home... so I wrote what I wanted in a "perfect" home for my family... but then I wrote down other things at a later date... in that list I wrote, "a healthy baby"... when I read those words I was crushed... not my faith, but definitely my spirit... I only wrote that because I was pregnant... I didn't really think that I had to write it...I thought of it as pretty much a done-deal... my baby would be born and he/she would be perfect, just like the other two had been... with them I had worried and fretted all the time... with Morgen I just didn't. The thing is, Morgen, at least to the eye, WAS perfectly healthy. Maybe there was something wrong inside of her, but it was the umbilical cord that brought about her death. So I guess my prayer was fulfilled...a healthy baby.

I wanted to take the time to cry, to grieve, to mourn... but I didn't...for a couple of reasons that I won't go into. But thankfully, my wonderful husband told me about a chapel service they had a couple of weeks ago, where he couldn't even sing, because of the song, Blessed be Your Name... in it, it talks about the highs and the lows...and then the bridge talks about God giving and taking away... this song has brought on more tears than I can count, because now, more than ever in our lives, we know the pain that those words are about... we thought we knew 'lows', when we would sing that song before....but now we KNOW we know those lows...

I have found myself showering love onto my two living children that would have been given to Morgen. That might be hard to understand, but I can feel it... there are times when I think of her and want to love on her, hold her again, touch her skin, and all I can do is hold her in my heart. And then there are times when I am playing with Emily or Ethan and I just know that what I am doing is giving them the love I had in my heart for Morgen... I know it doesn't make any sense to anyone but me, but it's true...

I know that I am the only one that thinks of her.... no one else does... not my husband or children, not anyone else in the world thinks of my little girl on a regular basis... no one was as close to her as I was, so I guess it's understandable... but I cannot... will not forget...

okay, ramble over....

Promises

When I look into Your Holiness
When I gaze into Your loveliness
When all things that surround become shadows, in the Light of You

When I've found the joy of reaching Your heart
When my will becomes enthralled in Your love
When all things that surround become shadows in the Light of You

I worship You
Lord the reason I live, is to worship You (and You alone)


Lord, I WILL trust in Your promises, even when everything around me calls You a liar and my heart doubts the Truth...

Truth:
You Love me, you REALLY LOVE ME...ME!
My children are blessed, my grandchildren are blessed, because of my faithfulness!
I am set apart
I am not a mistake, I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made
You want to LAVISH love on me!
You will meet ALL my needs
There is a hopeful future planned for me
You think about me and dance because of thoughts of me
You want to give me the desires of my heart
You carry me close to Your heart
You wipe the tears from my eyes, saving them as the treasure that they are
My children will be mighty in the land
Even in darkness, light dawns for me
Good will come to me when I give freely
I will never be shaken
I will be remembered forever
I have no fear of bad news
I will look in triumph on all my foes
I have life and favor from the Lord
I was chosen
I am called to hope
I am God's workmanship
I can approach God with CONFIDENCE
I am a citizen of Heaven
God WILL complete the work he started in me
I will suffer for Him

And OH! so much more.....!

I have always gotten caught up on the "if..Then"s in the Bible... you know, "if you _____, then *insert promise here*" I felt like I didn't match up to the "if"s, so I couldn't accept the promises, either... Well, no more! That was a ploy from the PIT of hell to keep me defeated...I am NOW going to speak life into myself, to live those "if"s and accept those Promises, so wonderful, plentiful and amazing.... I AM that righteous man the Bible talks about...I AM faithful! I have been thru Hell on earth (the worst it can get will be here on earth, right? I can take it!) and have come out the other side, knowing God's faithfulness, His provision, and though there is more to walk through, He will provide and I will survive! We will suffer, some more than others, and I relish the thought...if we are suffering, then we are doing something right! No, I am not a glutton for punishment, but if I am being hunted by the Prince of darkness, then I must be a pain in the butt for him, and that's a great thought...

I choose to believe the promises... a little hell for 80 years, and life everlasting in paradise...I think I can take that!

It's a cruel world...but God is bigger

When I opened my email this morning there was an email telling me what I could expect from my newborn this week. ha! Me, in my ever-loving quest for knowledge had set up emails for the age of my growing baby... and today it hit me square in the face...it's a cruel world... the same mantra that I have been quoting over and over for more than a week...

With more than 7 friends...yes, FRIENDS, not acquaitances, not strangers, FRIENDS, either due, VERY soon due, or having given birth recently, I find myself at odds... I am so INCREDIBLY excited for these little people to be born. And yet, I am hit over and over with the fact that I should be going thru it, too.

This weekend, Kevin and I were (FINALLY!) able to get away. Since losing our precious girl, we haven't had more than a couple hours at a time to be alone. Thanks to Teen Mania Christmas, we had two nights in Embassy Suites in Dallas. It was a much-needed time to just BE. We, well, okay, I was able to do some much-needed venting, mourning and processing, sharing my thoughts, fears and dreams with my best friend.
Friday night we stopped at an outlet mall. As we were walking thru Gap, I walked thru the kids' department, ever watchful of the best deal in kids' clothes... and stumbled upon the baby girl clothes... first, I just tried to think of the baby girls in my life, like Annabelle Garrett...then it hit me that I would be looking for clothes for Morgen, going nuts to build her wardrobe, had we not lost her. It jump-started the tears, and by the time Kevin came out of the dressing room, my eyes were welling up. As soon as he touched me, they started to flow, and by the time we got in the car, they were uncontrollable. It spawned a much-needed conversation on the difference in our grieving. And the fact that Kevin doesn't need to vent and cry over our baby girl made me mad.
After brewing all night, asking questions, etc... I had a quiet time the next morning and came to two conclusions:
1) Kevin is not to be, nor should EVER be, the source of my strength, my comfort or my healing. That is God's job, and He's good at it.
2) I still need him. To lean on, be there for me, and, even if he doesn't "get" the extent of my grieving, or share it to the level I have to do it, he IS there for me, and he loves me and that will never change. I still need to share it with HIM - Kevin - and not shut him out. He truly is my best friend, my favorite person in the world. He gives me perspective, holds me accountable to Truth, and loves me better than anyone in the whole world, with the exception of Christ.

So, even though it feels that the world is playing cruel jokes on me, pulling and tugging at my heart, taking advantage of my grief, trying to make my life a living Hell, GOD has bigger plans, more power and ME at the center of it. He gives me SO much! I never doubt that. I never doubt that He has a plan, that there is more than meets the eye, more than I can comprehend, more for my family, for ME than I can see... maybe it had to do with the fact that I was going to have my tubes tied, that he wanted us to have more than one more child, or that Morgen's story was going to be tantamount in helping 1000's of young women make the right CHOICE in choosing life for their baby, even if it seemed like a mistake, or maybe it was for a myriad of reasons that I haven't even thought of and maybe never will.

What I do know, though, is that grieving doesn't negate faith. I have said that before, I guess, but it's still true! Grief and Faith walk together to bring healing. Without grief, faith is hollow, untested. Without faith, grief drags you into a hole and never lets you out, taking away any meaning/merit to life.

Pre-post

I feel the need to give you a pre-post post...

My real post is about Morgen. And I included her picture. Now, honestly, this blog site is for my raw emotion. For me to spill my guts. If you want my regular blog, the one that is safe, that I don't really care WHO sees, (hence the reason I only told a few people about this one) then you can go to www.xanga.com/seek4him ... if my negativity on this site makes you uncomfortable, or you feel the need to make me feel better, or to fix me, then go there... I don't want to be fixed. You can't do it. Only God can.

Along that line, however, I do honestly appreciate encouragement, thoughts, prayers, and comments...just don't feel like you have to give me scripture or remedies for my grief. they don't work. Only staying close to the One who breathes life does that. And I dont' believe that grieving negates anything that God wants to do, nor does it negate my trust in Him.

So, all that to warn you that you may not want to read the post I just wrote... I would love for you to, but I also know it's more for me than for you...

Blessings!!

Normal??

When I look at her picture, I can pretend that she is real. That she isn't just a memory. I can pretend that she is just taking a nap, in the next room, just waiting to be picked up by her loving mommy. That in just a few minutes she will need to be fed or changed, that in just a little bit, we can play together.

When I look at her picture, she is perfect. How could her life get cut short? There was nothing wrong with her. A freak accident took her life, took away my child, my little girl. Does a person ever get over that? Do you ever "let it go"? Do you ever stop wanting to tell people that you have three kids, not just the two that they can see? Do you ever stop wanting to let people know that it wasn't a mistake? That is wasn't my body rejecting her or a chromosome malfunction? That the cord that was supposed to give her life got wrapped around her tiny neck and choked that life from her? That the last time I felt her move, she was dying?

When I look at her picture, I see the hope of so much more. I look at her and know the promises God has for my children and my family. I see that God has plans. He didn't need my little girl more than I did. That's one of the most ridiculous things I have heard so far. He doesn't NEED any of us! But He does have something planned. Morgen didn't have to be here to make those plans a reality. She gets to spend eternity in the arms of the One Who breathes life. The One Who shelters, and loves and gives beyond reason. She never has to experience heartache, or loss or pain. She never has to fight for what she believes in and be sad that 'they' just "don't get it".

When I see her picture, I want to share it with the world, but wonder if they would see what I see. Would it be wrong to post it? I think I might... Anyone doubting that life begins before a baby actually enters the world and draws a breath can see the miracle of God's hand just by looking at her. That is part of Morgen's legacy, I believe. Is it selfish of me to want to share her?

Feeling Blessed even in the midst of pain...

God is sooooo good! How can I have such low days when He showers His love on me all the time?

Here are a FEW of the things that have been said to me in the last month:

• You guys ruined me...no TL ever measured up after you.
• You are the best family ever!
• Your heart blesses me
• You have no idea how valuable you are
• You never have to give me a "why" when you say no... I know that it is valid, because your knee-jerk reaction is always to say yes.
• I dont' know what I would do without you...
• I want you to be a part of my courtship, my engagement, my wedding...you are so important to me, and having your blessing is so important...
• You are like part of my family, only better.
• You can't leave, you ARE Teen Mania to me!
• You are the greatest mom in the world -- from my husband
• The way you show Jesus just blesses my heart.
• You have no idea how much you are loved.
• Thank you for showing me how to use drama to glorify God!

How can I put myself down or doubt my ability to make a difference when I get such affirmation?? Who gets that??? Do we tell people how much we love them? Do we tell them specifically how they have touched us?? I try. I send out lots of cards...but still not enough. I think it's time for me to go write a couple more.

Reality

Being just a few weeks away from my "due" date I am experiencing some more "spinneritis"... hi's and lows beyond my control. I cry easily, feel stressed out all the time, afraid of so much, and can't seem to sleep enough. I have been sick, so I have been trying to blame it on that, but I know that it's more pain than illness...

How long? How long can I chalk up my personality disorders... impatience, inability to focus, inability to correctly keep track of time (this morning feels like yesterday or farther away, etc..), to losing Morgen? I think about her so often. Wondering what she would look like at this point in the pregnancy, what she would be like in a couple years, the list is endless...

So many friends are having their babies right now. For the most part I am able to compartmentalize and just rejoice with them. But part of me is drawn to the "coulda been, shoulda been"... I SHOULD be pregnant and getting ready for my baby to be born, I SHOULD be complaining of swollen feet and not being able to move...instead, I am paying on bills that show that this little girl will never be a physical part of our lives, I am looking at pictures that only show part of the story, I am mourning a life that SHOULD have been... Going about my life like she never existed...except that I can't concentrate on anything for long. That's so not like me. It's like a new person has taken over my body. I am amazed that Kevin puts up with so much. He never knows what I will be like, but most of the time it's a negative person in my place... argumentative, afraid, treating my husband horribly, wanting to tune out the world.

I am pressed on every side by troubles, but I am not crushed or broken. I am preplexed, but I will not give up or quit. I am hunted down, but God never abandons me. I get knocked down, but I WILL GET UP AGAIN AND KEEP GOING. 2Cor 4:8-9

saying NO

I am a martyr by nature....if there is anyone else around to put first, I will do it. And do it willingly, without a second thought. I will do it happily, without a thought to my own needs.

HOWEVER, if I don't have someone else to defer to, I cannot say no to myself. Why is that?? OH, how I want to say no to myself!!! the slightest inkling of a want, when I am alone, it's just a done deal. I like that shirt and it's a right size? Into the basket it goes! Have a breather from chores or work? Go grab a snack... Yikes! Those snacks and spending have caused so many problems!! My weight is horrible...worse than it ever has been, even pregnant! Funny thing is I haven't moved into a new size...how does that work?? I am sabotaging my exercise by eating junk! Aaaaaagghhhhhhhh! WHY WHY WHY

I write all this, because I know no one is reading. hahaha....my own personal journal of nothingness... but boy, is it honest!

another note on the martyrdom?? I find myself bitter...how mature is that?? I am not saying that I require tit for tat... but a history of giving without receiving makes me tired and apparently bitter... working on that. I have friends I am ready to have nothing to do with at this point... from sheer undependability and being the giver in every situation.

I am going to be eaten alive as a pastor's wife... I NEED outlets... I NEED to be able to talk to people about what is going on and get their input. I guess I just need to keep Kathy, huh? She is the one I dump to... Hope she can handle it!

My random utterings have been completed for the moment...you are free to go back to what you were doing now...

Chapstick

Chapstick has taken on new significance, and I didn't even realize it.

When I was in labor with Morgen, I needed chapstick really bad...all that breathing, you know! I happened to have on in my purse, so I was good to go. I applied and reapplied several times while I was in labor.

The other day, while at the gym, I was on the treadmill and breathing thru my mouth... I needed chapstick...That's when I realized that forever, chapstick will remind my of Morgen, or at least the weekend I said goodbye to her.

Yesterday marked three months since our loss. I had a rough day on Sunday. I just woke up ready to weep. By the time Andy (our pastor) asked me how I was doing on my birthday, I couldn't hold them in anymore. It was definitely a ten-kleenex (if not more) day. By afternoon, though, I had a beautiful call from a beautiful soon to be new mom, and I honestly felt better after talking to her...because she is someone I don't have to hide the negative feelings from. I am really blessed to have a few of those women in my life and one incredible husband that doesn't duck from my tears...I just wish those women were in my immediate vicinity!!

Kathy, Chana, Heather.... thank you. Need I say more?

The Battle Wages

I was just reading my email and I am set up to receive them from Pray4Kids...Every time I read their emails, I weep... I hate to admit that sometimes I don't open them, for that reason...It hurts so much to know that there are so many people in pain. Parents, children, fighting for their lives and/or their health. So many hospital procedures and bills, needles and tests and sometimes it's just not enough.

Today, as I prayed for little Josh, who has leukemia, I cried out to God and asked "why"... why doesn't He just intervene? Why do these children have to suffer and sometimes die? Why do parents that want a baby SO badly have to lose them? Why is it that people that neglect their children or hurt them GET to have kids? What about teens that are just being irresponsible? Why do THEY get to have kids and others have to suffer the losses?

I felt God, in the VERY MIDST of my questioning speak to me, saying, "the battle rages...and you are hated by the one who has nothing" He said, "hold on to Me...don't waiver or give up"
The presence of God and His peace does not negate or contradict the tears or the pain...they are still there...for all parents who lose babies or go thru such traumas with their children. The pain and grief is real and it doesn't just go away because time passes or people want us to be "normal"...NORMAL is different, now. NORMAL has forever been altered. It doesn't mean that we don't have moments where we appear to be the FORMER NORMAL, and maybe therein lies the problem...people can't see the tears that lie just under the surface, threatening to burst out at the slightest provocation; they don't see the pain that cuts when our closest friends try to "help" by preaching at us about God's will or having His peace or making us feel guilty for having our pain and not being able to keep it inside so that they feel better. The hardest thing in the world is to hold your dead child in your hands and have to say goodbye. That doesn't just go away because we have a "good" day or moment of joy.

I think I have figured out that when I don't have words directly from God, that the best thing to do is to let the grieving know that I don't have the answers, the words or know what I can do to help, except that I will be there to listen without advice, and that I will pray.

Please forgive my ramblings...just the honest pain coming out...sometimes that just seems to make things worse, I guess...but I want to remember these things when it's my turn to be a support and not just the griever.

The root of the pain...

Our little girl, Morgen, would have been 10 weeks from being born...her lungs would be able to use air, her brain would have started getting the indentations and grooves... she would maybe have hair on her head ( tho my babies tend to be bald for almost 2 years!)...

I have developed a yearning for Heaven that I only wished for before losing her. Now I have a daughter waiting to meet me.

A week or so ago, I was telling Kevin that "if only all this other bad stuff hadn't happened, I would have been fine. I was handling Morgen's death! I was doing it right, trusting God, leaning on Him..." and Kevin replied, "but Morgen's loss is the root of all the pain"... I hadn't actually let myself believe that truth. I thought I was doing so well and was just being "so mature". Funny how we can fool ourselves! He was so right. The loss of my little girl has me whirling and all these other things have merely kept me from being able to mourn her.

I am hoping that we are entering a new season. One where I can concentrate on good things, not just put out fires and worry about what horrible thing will happen next. One where I can mourn my daughter. One where I can be excited about the future, and maybe another baby.

Random things...

There is a beautiful sound coming into my home...the sound of a singin bird...the unfortunate thing is that it is also the same sound as the beginning of my cell phone ringer... so I have been on edge all morning, ready to jump up and grab my cell.

Ethan is on hour #2 of his SECOND nap already... coming from my "all boy", on-the-go all-the-time Ethan, I am a bit perplexed...except that he didn't have a nap AT ALL on Saturday. He usually puts off naps until 11 (if he has one in the a.m.) and then until after 2... so this is a little weird. It could be the lack of a nap Saturday, or a growth spurt, or teething side-effects... hmmm....

Emily just came in. She put on one of Kevin's dress shirts, with the sleeves tied off with ponytail holders and a tie around her neck, and delcared herself a scarecrow. How inventive and how beautiful her spirit... I love that girl! I hope I can be like her someday...

Weird dreams

I had a dream about us (my fam and our "team") in the jungle. Snakes everywhere. Emily's hand was caught in the mouth of a boa constrictor and I got it off her, but then it attached to me... when I got it off I had teeth marks everywhere on my hand and it had gone all the way to the bone. Snakes everywhere, and murky water that we had to cross to get places...and the boards we were supposed to use weren't reliable....hmmmm.....

I woke up and told Kevin we were never going to the jungle again. And I couldn't stop looking at my hand.

I was diagnosed with vertigo this week, and the medicine makes me so sleepy! I can't wake up in the morning, and I am dragging all day! uggghhh. Yesterday, when I got off the treadmill, I couldn't walk. I know it's usual to feel a little wobbly, but the vertigo was in FULL FORCE... it was a little scary. I guess I will take my meds before doing that again. (I hadn't taken them before going to the gym yesterday)

Gym Rat Wannabe

I am officially a Gym Rat Wannabe.
Today was my second day of gym workouts and I am hooked. I love it. The atmosphere, the 'peer' pressure, the feeling of "just a few more minutes"...

And I love our gym, because I can drop the kids off and not have to worry about finding a babysitter. They have childcare right there! It's also a Christian environment, with scripture coming over the speaker system occasionally, and paintings and scriptures everywhere you look.

Not sure what I will do with this site, now that I am back... I am having a hard time letting out all my REAL feelings, cuz I know no one understands and everyone just wants to "fix" me and see me be like I was "before"... we'll see how it goes.