I can't get enough...

Oh the blessings abound! Lately, even in chaos, I look at my children and realize what precious, wonderful miracles they are... we are never promised, as parents, that our children will come out healthy or even come out alive. So, as I look at my kids these days, I wonder and marvel at God's goodness. I have a huge fear that lives in the back of my head that one day one or all of my children will be either taken from me or take ill and not get better.

As I hold Katie and talk softly with her before laying her down for her naps, I find myself not wanting to lay her down at all... for when I lay her down, she will be there for at least an hour, and I will lose that hour with her. She will be older, and that much closer to not needing her mommy. Soon enough the day will come when she can do things on her own, and I won't get those smiles that take her entire body to produce.

Knowing that I will never carry another child, and probably not raise another baby (not ruling out adoption at this point) puts me in a stange place... I want to take in every smell, every crevice and pore, every sweet look, and every crazy moment with my kids. I don't want to miss any of it... the days when it's just me and Kevin are too close at hand.

SO today, I capture a little of that time here... I want to remember the dimple in Katie's nose, the face she makes when cooing (her nostrils flare slightly and her eyes squint and her mouth kind of puckers); I want to remember Emily's flare for dancing and for learning so much on her own, her kindness, even when confronted by her little brother (okay, even she has her limits); I want to remember the way Ethan's eyes droop when he doesn't feel well, and yet he will do his "booty dance" and smile the smile that only he can... eyes sparkling and dimples showing... lighting up for only me; to remember that he is learning phrases and concepts at lightening speeds these days... understanding so much more than we give him credit for until he blows our minds with something else.

These are the days...

Baby Talk...

This baby seems to want to come out the top! There is "something" - a foot, an elbow, a knee - poking way at the top of my belly all the time. We have definitely moved on from the karate kicks to the rolling around. Sometimes she is so active I get to the point of feeling motion sick! At the BattleCry, I had to get up and walk around to put her to sleep just so I could feel better.
She also seems to like when someone has their hand on my belly... she refuses to "perform" when there is a warm hand there... Kevin has only felt her move a couple times and Emily a couple times... it's hard to catch her in the act, even if she's been bouncing off the walls for a long time. Ihave to assume it's a comfort to her, and not that she just doesn't want to be touched.

We're almost at the one-handed countdown! It is soooo hard to believe. I think I have felt a little of this with each pregnancy, but I still feel a little disconnected from Katie. Of course that sets me up for worry - can I love enough? Am I so worn out that I won't be a good mom to her? I know that when I hold her in my arms all those doubts and questions will go out the window.

Entering a new world for me... hemmorroids... at least I am assuming that's what it is... I know, TMI... so I won't dwell here.

Emily made a comment the other day that she was being replaced as the "princess"... I mentioned it to Kevin since he was the one giving Katie that moniker, and he cleared it up for Emily that she is always going to be the first princess and that we will have two, now.

Hopefully tomorrow we will have a date planned for the C-section. This planner would love to have a date... even if it turns out differently.

We are really trying to get some things done around here... we have so many big things and little things to purchase, do and plan... and soooo little time to get it all done... we have two Saturdays tentatively "open" before Katie comes, and that's a little scary... between weddings, drama training weekends for GE and a plethora of other commitments, it's a little overwhelming.

Hoping the fam will take a look at the baby registries we have set up at Target and Amazon... but not counting on it. So, one of those Saturdays will be a trip to Dallas to purchase an infant seat and crib, etc...

well, I have babbled enough, I think... Hope your week is going well!!

A new post!?!

Yeah, I figured if anyone still check in here, you deserve a new post!

I have less than 10 weeks before I can squeeze this little one inside of me... I am excited, nervous, and delirious...

Excited to see the culmination of God's handiwork. To look into those eyes and love on this little baby girl.

Nervous, because I am not sure how I will react. Will I look at her, wondering about Morgen? Will I expect more out of her because she wouldn't even BE if Morgen hadn't died? Will I be able to hold onto Morgen, and still love this precious baby the way she deserves to be loved?
Maybe all of the above at one time or another.... but I do know that God is so much bigger and more gracious than I. That He will hold me.\

Nervous also because we don't have much for this little girl t come home to... All of our large purchases for baby came when we had Emily more than 8 years ago and they are all falling apart, after going thru Emily, Ethan and a couple friends' kids... SO, we have some new purchases to make.. hoping the money will hold out and God will help us out with some great deals.

Delirious, because I have been sick, and have horrible allergies this season. I am experiencing a little relief, due the the purchase of Claritin, but I hate putting things in my body... I wouldn't be doing it if I hadn't been so miserable for more than a week.

Delirious with joy because little Katie is a mover and a shaker... she love to tumble and roll, kick and push... and to a mom who has lost that feeling once before and wonders if every kick could be the last one, it is a joy.

Yeah, her name is Katherine Faith. Katherine means "pure"... and the faith part is to go along with Morgen's middle name of Grace. Since Emily and Ethan have the "E" thing going together, I wanted to last two to have something in common, too... We have decided to call her Kate or Katie...but Emily wants to call her Kit or KitKat. I told her she is welcome to do that... I am sure this little girl will have all kinds of loving nicknames...

So, yeah.. in less than 10 weeks we will have another miracle to celebrate!

Here comes the sun!

Wow...I feel like a new person.
I am not exactly sure what happened, but Friday, there was breakthrough.

The clouds have parted and I can see Light again!

I have discovered a few things:
The pain that Adrienne and Jason are going thru was a small catalyst that added to my distress...
That Worship music is soothing to the soul.
That my friends are amazing...

thank you to those of you that prayed, that sent me emails, encouraging and hiney-kicking...

God is so faithful!

Siezed by worry...

Since last Thursday, I have felt like something is wrong... that maybe this baby isn't alive anymore...

That was five days ago, and today, I am in a full sweat. Most of my first trimester symptoms are gone. No nausea, no soreness in my chest.... it's just been replaced by worry.

I even had a dream last night that I was on some sort of journey, and I knew that at some point along the way, I had lost by baby. I was spending most of the dream retracing my steps to find out where it happened.

If this baby is gone, we won't be trying again... I can't do it again.

A walking dichotomy

I feel like two people! Sometimes laughing, "normal".... but most of the time, just melancholy, and not the good, organized, perfectionist kind...just the sad, blah kind.

Where is my joy? The knowledge of Christ alone should make my heart swell...and yet, all I find when I look inside is gray.

Seeing how Adrienne and her family have gone thru this trial with their baby Noah, and how they have lived it in perfect faith just shames me. I feel like the first few weeks after losing Morgen that I was so close to God, that My faith had changed for the better, strengthened by God's peace... and yet, it was short-lived. Now I seem to walk in negativity and even bitterness at times. I want to walk in joy and appreciation! I want to feel the warmth of joy in my heart.

I have fallen so far... am I really holding onto Morgen so tightly that I haven't let go enough to find joy again? I can't even find excitement about this new pregnancy! All I can think of are the pains and the discomfort... this baby deserves more from me... will I ever be 'not tired' enough to enjoy what is happening again?

Is it real, or is it Memorex?

At least with Memorex, you get the "same" thing... with me, you never know! Sometimes I think at my core, I am just a liar.

Why is it that I KNOW how to live, can TEACH someone the right way to live, but can't seem to be able to DO it myself???

I have asked God for a hunger for Him and His Word...and I WANT to do it... I just haven't... I let other things get in the way all the time! Things that DO NOT MATTER! It's easier for me to put it off than to accept that fact that I doubt... Doesn't James say that if you pray with doubt, you might as well not pray at all??

What kind of example am I to my kids? What kind of life am I living? I had wanted to start the new year by reading Proverbs to my kids each day...setting them up in wisdom and faith... have I done that yet? NOPE!

On the outside, I am a very genuine. The real deal. No secrets, I will be honest about anything... so why do I have such a hard time living out my private life? Isn't that hypocrisy? I hate that Christians give God such a bad name...and last night, my last thoughts were that I am among the worst... if someone could see into my private life, they might be appalled... I know I am.