It's a cruel world...but God is bigger

When I opened my email this morning there was an email telling me what I could expect from my newborn this week. ha! Me, in my ever-loving quest for knowledge had set up emails for the age of my growing baby... and today it hit me square in the face...it's a cruel world... the same mantra that I have been quoting over and over for more than a week...

With more than 7 friends...yes, FRIENDS, not acquaitances, not strangers, FRIENDS, either due, VERY soon due, or having given birth recently, I find myself at odds... I am so INCREDIBLY excited for these little people to be born. And yet, I am hit over and over with the fact that I should be going thru it, too.

This weekend, Kevin and I were (FINALLY!) able to get away. Since losing our precious girl, we haven't had more than a couple hours at a time to be alone. Thanks to Teen Mania Christmas, we had two nights in Embassy Suites in Dallas. It was a much-needed time to just BE. We, well, okay, I was able to do some much-needed venting, mourning and processing, sharing my thoughts, fears and dreams with my best friend.
Friday night we stopped at an outlet mall. As we were walking thru Gap, I walked thru the kids' department, ever watchful of the best deal in kids' clothes... and stumbled upon the baby girl clothes... first, I just tried to think of the baby girls in my life, like Annabelle Garrett...then it hit me that I would be looking for clothes for Morgen, going nuts to build her wardrobe, had we not lost her. It jump-started the tears, and by the time Kevin came out of the dressing room, my eyes were welling up. As soon as he touched me, they started to flow, and by the time we got in the car, they were uncontrollable. It spawned a much-needed conversation on the difference in our grieving. And the fact that Kevin doesn't need to vent and cry over our baby girl made me mad.
After brewing all night, asking questions, etc... I had a quiet time the next morning and came to two conclusions:
1) Kevin is not to be, nor should EVER be, the source of my strength, my comfort or my healing. That is God's job, and He's good at it.
2) I still need him. To lean on, be there for me, and, even if he doesn't "get" the extent of my grieving, or share it to the level I have to do it, he IS there for me, and he loves me and that will never change. I still need to share it with HIM - Kevin - and not shut him out. He truly is my best friend, my favorite person in the world. He gives me perspective, holds me accountable to Truth, and loves me better than anyone in the whole world, with the exception of Christ.

So, even though it feels that the world is playing cruel jokes on me, pulling and tugging at my heart, taking advantage of my grief, trying to make my life a living Hell, GOD has bigger plans, more power and ME at the center of it. He gives me SO much! I never doubt that. I never doubt that He has a plan, that there is more than meets the eye, more than I can comprehend, more for my family, for ME than I can see... maybe it had to do with the fact that I was going to have my tubes tied, that he wanted us to have more than one more child, or that Morgen's story was going to be tantamount in helping 1000's of young women make the right CHOICE in choosing life for their baby, even if it seemed like a mistake, or maybe it was for a myriad of reasons that I haven't even thought of and maybe never will.

What I do know, though, is that grieving doesn't negate faith. I have said that before, I guess, but it's still true! Grief and Faith walk together to bring healing. Without grief, faith is hollow, untested. Without faith, grief drags you into a hole and never lets you out, taking away any meaning/merit to life.

Pre-post

I feel the need to give you a pre-post post...

My real post is about Morgen. And I included her picture. Now, honestly, this blog site is for my raw emotion. For me to spill my guts. If you want my regular blog, the one that is safe, that I don't really care WHO sees, (hence the reason I only told a few people about this one) then you can go to www.xanga.com/seek4him ... if my negativity on this site makes you uncomfortable, or you feel the need to make me feel better, or to fix me, then go there... I don't want to be fixed. You can't do it. Only God can.

Along that line, however, I do honestly appreciate encouragement, thoughts, prayers, and comments...just don't feel like you have to give me scripture or remedies for my grief. they don't work. Only staying close to the One who breathes life does that. And I dont' believe that grieving negates anything that God wants to do, nor does it negate my trust in Him.

So, all that to warn you that you may not want to read the post I just wrote... I would love for you to, but I also know it's more for me than for you...

Blessings!!

Normal??

When I look at her picture, I can pretend that she is real. That she isn't just a memory. I can pretend that she is just taking a nap, in the next room, just waiting to be picked up by her loving mommy. That in just a few minutes she will need to be fed or changed, that in just a little bit, we can play together.

When I look at her picture, she is perfect. How could her life get cut short? There was nothing wrong with her. A freak accident took her life, took away my child, my little girl. Does a person ever get over that? Do you ever "let it go"? Do you ever stop wanting to tell people that you have three kids, not just the two that they can see? Do you ever stop wanting to let people know that it wasn't a mistake? That is wasn't my body rejecting her or a chromosome malfunction? That the cord that was supposed to give her life got wrapped around her tiny neck and choked that life from her? That the last time I felt her move, she was dying?

When I look at her picture, I see the hope of so much more. I look at her and know the promises God has for my children and my family. I see that God has plans. He didn't need my little girl more than I did. That's one of the most ridiculous things I have heard so far. He doesn't NEED any of us! But He does have something planned. Morgen didn't have to be here to make those plans a reality. She gets to spend eternity in the arms of the One Who breathes life. The One Who shelters, and loves and gives beyond reason. She never has to experience heartache, or loss or pain. She never has to fight for what she believes in and be sad that 'they' just "don't get it".

When I see her picture, I want to share it with the world, but wonder if they would see what I see. Would it be wrong to post it? I think I might... Anyone doubting that life begins before a baby actually enters the world and draws a breath can see the miracle of God's hand just by looking at her. That is part of Morgen's legacy, I believe. Is it selfish of me to want to share her?

Feeling Blessed even in the midst of pain...

God is sooooo good! How can I have such low days when He showers His love on me all the time?

Here are a FEW of the things that have been said to me in the last month:

• You guys ruined me...no TL ever measured up after you.
• You are the best family ever!
• Your heart blesses me
• You have no idea how valuable you are
• You never have to give me a "why" when you say no... I know that it is valid, because your knee-jerk reaction is always to say yes.
• I dont' know what I would do without you...
• I want you to be a part of my courtship, my engagement, my wedding...you are so important to me, and having your blessing is so important...
• You are like part of my family, only better.
• You can't leave, you ARE Teen Mania to me!
• You are the greatest mom in the world -- from my husband
• The way you show Jesus just blesses my heart.
• You have no idea how much you are loved.
• Thank you for showing me how to use drama to glorify God!

How can I put myself down or doubt my ability to make a difference when I get such affirmation?? Who gets that??? Do we tell people how much we love them? Do we tell them specifically how they have touched us?? I try. I send out lots of cards...but still not enough. I think it's time for me to go write a couple more.