The Battle Wages

I was just reading my email and I am set up to receive them from Pray4Kids...Every time I read their emails, I weep... I hate to admit that sometimes I don't open them, for that reason...It hurts so much to know that there are so many people in pain. Parents, children, fighting for their lives and/or their health. So many hospital procedures and bills, needles and tests and sometimes it's just not enough.

Today, as I prayed for little Josh, who has leukemia, I cried out to God and asked "why"... why doesn't He just intervene? Why do these children have to suffer and sometimes die? Why do parents that want a baby SO badly have to lose them? Why is it that people that neglect their children or hurt them GET to have kids? What about teens that are just being irresponsible? Why do THEY get to have kids and others have to suffer the losses?

I felt God, in the VERY MIDST of my questioning speak to me, saying, "the battle rages...and you are hated by the one who has nothing" He said, "hold on to Me...don't waiver or give up"
The presence of God and His peace does not negate or contradict the tears or the pain...they are still there...for all parents who lose babies or go thru such traumas with their children. The pain and grief is real and it doesn't just go away because time passes or people want us to be "normal"...NORMAL is different, now. NORMAL has forever been altered. It doesn't mean that we don't have moments where we appear to be the FORMER NORMAL, and maybe therein lies the problem...people can't see the tears that lie just under the surface, threatening to burst out at the slightest provocation; they don't see the pain that cuts when our closest friends try to "help" by preaching at us about God's will or having His peace or making us feel guilty for having our pain and not being able to keep it inside so that they feel better. The hardest thing in the world is to hold your dead child in your hands and have to say goodbye. That doesn't just go away because we have a "good" day or moment of joy.

I think I have figured out that when I don't have words directly from God, that the best thing to do is to let the grieving know that I don't have the answers, the words or know what I can do to help, except that I will be there to listen without advice, and that I will pray.

Please forgive my ramblings...just the honest pain coming out...sometimes that just seems to make things worse, I guess...but I want to remember these things when it's my turn to be a support and not just the griever.

The root of the pain...

Our little girl, Morgen, would have been 10 weeks from being born...her lungs would be able to use air, her brain would have started getting the indentations and grooves... she would maybe have hair on her head ( tho my babies tend to be bald for almost 2 years!)...

I have developed a yearning for Heaven that I only wished for before losing her. Now I have a daughter waiting to meet me.

A week or so ago, I was telling Kevin that "if only all this other bad stuff hadn't happened, I would have been fine. I was handling Morgen's death! I was doing it right, trusting God, leaning on Him..." and Kevin replied, "but Morgen's loss is the root of all the pain"... I hadn't actually let myself believe that truth. I thought I was doing so well and was just being "so mature". Funny how we can fool ourselves! He was so right. The loss of my little girl has me whirling and all these other things have merely kept me from being able to mourn her.

I am hoping that we are entering a new season. One where I can concentrate on good things, not just put out fires and worry about what horrible thing will happen next. One where I can mourn my daughter. One where I can be excited about the future, and maybe another baby.

Random things...

There is a beautiful sound coming into my home...the sound of a singin bird...the unfortunate thing is that it is also the same sound as the beginning of my cell phone ringer... so I have been on edge all morning, ready to jump up and grab my cell.

Ethan is on hour #2 of his SECOND nap already... coming from my "all boy", on-the-go all-the-time Ethan, I am a bit perplexed...except that he didn't have a nap AT ALL on Saturday. He usually puts off naps until 11 (if he has one in the a.m.) and then until after 2... so this is a little weird. It could be the lack of a nap Saturday, or a growth spurt, or teething side-effects... hmmm....

Emily just came in. She put on one of Kevin's dress shirts, with the sleeves tied off with ponytail holders and a tie around her neck, and delcared herself a scarecrow. How inventive and how beautiful her spirit... I love that girl! I hope I can be like her someday...

Weird dreams

I had a dream about us (my fam and our "team") in the jungle. Snakes everywhere. Emily's hand was caught in the mouth of a boa constrictor and I got it off her, but then it attached to me... when I got it off I had teeth marks everywhere on my hand and it had gone all the way to the bone. Snakes everywhere, and murky water that we had to cross to get places...and the boards we were supposed to use weren't reliable....hmmmm.....

I woke up and told Kevin we were never going to the jungle again. And I couldn't stop looking at my hand.

I was diagnosed with vertigo this week, and the medicine makes me so sleepy! I can't wake up in the morning, and I am dragging all day! uggghhh. Yesterday, when I got off the treadmill, I couldn't walk. I know it's usual to feel a little wobbly, but the vertigo was in FULL FORCE... it was a little scary. I guess I will take my meds before doing that again. (I hadn't taken them before going to the gym yesterday)

Gym Rat Wannabe

I am officially a Gym Rat Wannabe.
Today was my second day of gym workouts and I am hooked. I love it. The atmosphere, the 'peer' pressure, the feeling of "just a few more minutes"...

And I love our gym, because I can drop the kids off and not have to worry about finding a babysitter. They have childcare right there! It's also a Christian environment, with scripture coming over the speaker system occasionally, and paintings and scriptures everywhere you look.

Not sure what I will do with this site, now that I am back... I am having a hard time letting out all my REAL feelings, cuz I know no one understands and everyone just wants to "fix" me and see me be like I was "before"... we'll see how it goes.