Wow...I feel like a new person.
I am not exactly sure what happened, but Friday, there was breakthrough.
The clouds have parted and I can see Light again!
I have discovered a few things:
The pain that Adrienne and Jason are going thru was a small catalyst that added to my distress...
That Worship music is soothing to the soul.
That my friends are amazing...
thank you to those of you that prayed, that sent me emails, encouraging and hiney-kicking...
God is so faithful!
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Siezed by worry...
Since last Thursday, I have felt like something is wrong... that maybe this baby isn't alive anymore...
That was five days ago, and today, I am in a full sweat. Most of my first trimester symptoms are gone. No nausea, no soreness in my chest.... it's just been replaced by worry.
I even had a dream last night that I was on some sort of journey, and I knew that at some point along the way, I had lost by baby. I was spending most of the dream retracing my steps to find out where it happened.
If this baby is gone, we won't be trying again... I can't do it again.
That was five days ago, and today, I am in a full sweat. Most of my first trimester symptoms are gone. No nausea, no soreness in my chest.... it's just been replaced by worry.
I even had a dream last night that I was on some sort of journey, and I knew that at some point along the way, I had lost by baby. I was spending most of the dream retracing my steps to find out where it happened.
If this baby is gone, we won't be trying again... I can't do it again.
Monday, January 15, 2007
A walking dichotomy
I feel like two people! Sometimes laughing, "normal".... but most of the time, just melancholy, and not the good, organized, perfectionist kind...just the sad, blah kind.
Where is my joy? The knowledge of Christ alone should make my heart swell...and yet, all I find when I look inside is gray.
Seeing how Adrienne and her family have gone thru this trial with their baby Noah, and how they have lived it in perfect faith just shames me. I feel like the first few weeks after losing Morgen that I was so close to God, that My faith had changed for the better, strengthened by God's peace... and yet, it was short-lived. Now I seem to walk in negativity and even bitterness at times. I want to walk in joy and appreciation! I want to feel the warmth of joy in my heart.
I have fallen so far... am I really holding onto Morgen so tightly that I haven't let go enough to find joy again? I can't even find excitement about this new pregnancy! All I can think of are the pains and the discomfort... this baby deserves more from me... will I ever be 'not tired' enough to enjoy what is happening again?
Where is my joy? The knowledge of Christ alone should make my heart swell...and yet, all I find when I look inside is gray.
Seeing how Adrienne and her family have gone thru this trial with their baby Noah, and how they have lived it in perfect faith just shames me. I feel like the first few weeks after losing Morgen that I was so close to God, that My faith had changed for the better, strengthened by God's peace... and yet, it was short-lived. Now I seem to walk in negativity and even bitterness at times. I want to walk in joy and appreciation! I want to feel the warmth of joy in my heart.
I have fallen so far... am I really holding onto Morgen so tightly that I haven't let go enough to find joy again? I can't even find excitement about this new pregnancy! All I can think of are the pains and the discomfort... this baby deserves more from me... will I ever be 'not tired' enough to enjoy what is happening again?
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Is it real, or is it Memorex?
At least with Memorex, you get the "same" thing... with me, you never know! Sometimes I think at my core, I am just a liar.
Why is it that I KNOW how to live, can TEACH someone the right way to live, but can't seem to be able to DO it myself???
I have asked God for a hunger for Him and His Word...and I WANT to do it... I just haven't... I let other things get in the way all the time! Things that DO NOT MATTER! It's easier for me to put it off than to accept that fact that I doubt... Doesn't James say that if you pray with doubt, you might as well not pray at all??
What kind of example am I to my kids? What kind of life am I living? I had wanted to start the new year by reading Proverbs to my kids each day...setting them up in wisdom and faith... have I done that yet? NOPE!
On the outside, I am a very genuine. The real deal. No secrets, I will be honest about anything... so why do I have such a hard time living out my private life? Isn't that hypocrisy? I hate that Christians give God such a bad name...and last night, my last thoughts were that I am among the worst... if someone could see into my private life, they might be appalled... I know I am.
Why is it that I KNOW how to live, can TEACH someone the right way to live, but can't seem to be able to DO it myself???
I have asked God for a hunger for Him and His Word...and I WANT to do it... I just haven't... I let other things get in the way all the time! Things that DO NOT MATTER! It's easier for me to put it off than to accept that fact that I doubt... Doesn't James say that if you pray with doubt, you might as well not pray at all??
What kind of example am I to my kids? What kind of life am I living? I had wanted to start the new year by reading Proverbs to my kids each day...setting them up in wisdom and faith... have I done that yet? NOPE!
On the outside, I am a very genuine. The real deal. No secrets, I will be honest about anything... so why do I have such a hard time living out my private life? Isn't that hypocrisy? I hate that Christians give God such a bad name...and last night, my last thoughts were that I am among the worst... if someone could see into my private life, they might be appalled... I know I am.
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