Reality

Being just a few weeks away from my "due" date I am experiencing some more "spinneritis"... hi's and lows beyond my control. I cry easily, feel stressed out all the time, afraid of so much, and can't seem to sleep enough. I have been sick, so I have been trying to blame it on that, but I know that it's more pain than illness...

How long? How long can I chalk up my personality disorders... impatience, inability to focus, inability to correctly keep track of time (this morning feels like yesterday or farther away, etc..), to losing Morgen? I think about her so often. Wondering what she would look like at this point in the pregnancy, what she would be like in a couple years, the list is endless...

So many friends are having their babies right now. For the most part I am able to compartmentalize and just rejoice with them. But part of me is drawn to the "coulda been, shoulda been"... I SHOULD be pregnant and getting ready for my baby to be born, I SHOULD be complaining of swollen feet and not being able to move...instead, I am paying on bills that show that this little girl will never be a physical part of our lives, I am looking at pictures that only show part of the story, I am mourning a life that SHOULD have been... Going about my life like she never existed...except that I can't concentrate on anything for long. That's so not like me. It's like a new person has taken over my body. I am amazed that Kevin puts up with so much. He never knows what I will be like, but most of the time it's a negative person in my place... argumentative, afraid, treating my husband horribly, wanting to tune out the world.

I am pressed on every side by troubles, but I am not crushed or broken. I am preplexed, but I will not give up or quit. I am hunted down, but God never abandons me. I get knocked down, but I WILL GET UP AGAIN AND KEEP GOING. 2Cor 4:8-9

saying NO

I am a martyr by nature....if there is anyone else around to put first, I will do it. And do it willingly, without a second thought. I will do it happily, without a thought to my own needs.

HOWEVER, if I don't have someone else to defer to, I cannot say no to myself. Why is that?? OH, how I want to say no to myself!!! the slightest inkling of a want, when I am alone, it's just a done deal. I like that shirt and it's a right size? Into the basket it goes! Have a breather from chores or work? Go grab a snack... Yikes! Those snacks and spending have caused so many problems!! My weight is horrible...worse than it ever has been, even pregnant! Funny thing is I haven't moved into a new size...how does that work?? I am sabotaging my exercise by eating junk! Aaaaaagghhhhhhhh! WHY WHY WHY

I write all this, because I know no one is reading. hahaha....my own personal journal of nothingness... but boy, is it honest!

another note on the martyrdom?? I find myself bitter...how mature is that?? I am not saying that I require tit for tat... but a history of giving without receiving makes me tired and apparently bitter... working on that. I have friends I am ready to have nothing to do with at this point... from sheer undependability and being the giver in every situation.

I am going to be eaten alive as a pastor's wife... I NEED outlets... I NEED to be able to talk to people about what is going on and get their input. I guess I just need to keep Kathy, huh? She is the one I dump to... Hope she can handle it!

My random utterings have been completed for the moment...you are free to go back to what you were doing now...

Chapstick

Chapstick has taken on new significance, and I didn't even realize it.

When I was in labor with Morgen, I needed chapstick really bad...all that breathing, you know! I happened to have on in my purse, so I was good to go. I applied and reapplied several times while I was in labor.

The other day, while at the gym, I was on the treadmill and breathing thru my mouth... I needed chapstick...That's when I realized that forever, chapstick will remind my of Morgen, or at least the weekend I said goodbye to her.

Yesterday marked three months since our loss. I had a rough day on Sunday. I just woke up ready to weep. By the time Andy (our pastor) asked me how I was doing on my birthday, I couldn't hold them in anymore. It was definitely a ten-kleenex (if not more) day. By afternoon, though, I had a beautiful call from a beautiful soon to be new mom, and I honestly felt better after talking to her...because she is someone I don't have to hide the negative feelings from. I am really blessed to have a few of those women in my life and one incredible husband that doesn't duck from my tears...I just wish those women were in my immediate vicinity!!

Kathy, Chana, Heather.... thank you. Need I say more?