Being just a few weeks away from my "due" date I am experiencing some more "spinneritis"... hi's and lows beyond my control. I cry easily, feel stressed out all the time, afraid of so much, and can't seem to sleep enough. I have been sick, so I have been trying to blame it on that, but I know that it's more pain than illness...
How long? How long can I chalk up my personality disorders... impatience, inability to focus, inability to correctly keep track of time (this morning feels like yesterday or farther away, etc..), to losing Morgen? I think about her so often. Wondering what she would look like at this point in the pregnancy, what she would be like in a couple years, the list is endless...
So many friends are having their babies right now. For the most part I am able to compartmentalize and just rejoice with them. But part of me is drawn to the "coulda been, shoulda been"... I SHOULD be pregnant and getting ready for my baby to be born, I SHOULD be complaining of swollen feet and not being able to move...instead, I am paying on bills that show that this little girl will never be a physical part of our lives, I am looking at pictures that only show part of the story, I am mourning a life that SHOULD have been... Going about my life like she never existed...except that I can't concentrate on anything for long. That's so not like me. It's like a new person has taken over my body. I am amazed that Kevin puts up with so much. He never knows what I will be like, but most of the time it's a negative person in my place... argumentative, afraid, treating my husband horribly, wanting to tune out the world.
I am pressed on every side by troubles, but I am not crushed or broken. I am preplexed, but I will not give up or quit. I am hunted down, but God never abandons me. I get knocked down, but I WILL GET UP AGAIN AND KEEP GOING. 2Cor 4:8-9
3 comments:
I wish I had words . . . but I don't. I do call upon the One who comforts, though. You are in my prayers!
I agree with Beth. I'm not going to pretend to understand what you are going through. I can't imagine what it would feel like to experience what you have experienced. My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you. He is your Comforter and He will give you strength every day.
You listen to me, Missy, and listen good. There are limitless amount of people out here, near and far, who adore and love you. I say cry; cry from the gut. I believe without a doubt there is a warehouse in Heaven for each of us lined with dozens of shelves that reach several stories and stocked tightly with bottles of tears, our tears. God encourages those tears to surface from a place within us that oftentimes we hide from others. I believe in experiencing the miracle of emotion and there is nothing wrong with it, nothing at all. If it's any consolation, I too am crying with you. I love you and Kevin.
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