It's a cruel world...but God is bigger

When I opened my email this morning there was an email telling me what I could expect from my newborn this week. ha! Me, in my ever-loving quest for knowledge had set up emails for the age of my growing baby... and today it hit me square in the face...it's a cruel world... the same mantra that I have been quoting over and over for more than a week...

With more than 7 friends...yes, FRIENDS, not acquaitances, not strangers, FRIENDS, either due, VERY soon due, or having given birth recently, I find myself at odds... I am so INCREDIBLY excited for these little people to be born. And yet, I am hit over and over with the fact that I should be going thru it, too.

This weekend, Kevin and I were (FINALLY!) able to get away. Since losing our precious girl, we haven't had more than a couple hours at a time to be alone. Thanks to Teen Mania Christmas, we had two nights in Embassy Suites in Dallas. It was a much-needed time to just BE. We, well, okay, I was able to do some much-needed venting, mourning and processing, sharing my thoughts, fears and dreams with my best friend.
Friday night we stopped at an outlet mall. As we were walking thru Gap, I walked thru the kids' department, ever watchful of the best deal in kids' clothes... and stumbled upon the baby girl clothes... first, I just tried to think of the baby girls in my life, like Annabelle Garrett...then it hit me that I would be looking for clothes for Morgen, going nuts to build her wardrobe, had we not lost her. It jump-started the tears, and by the time Kevin came out of the dressing room, my eyes were welling up. As soon as he touched me, they started to flow, and by the time we got in the car, they were uncontrollable. It spawned a much-needed conversation on the difference in our grieving. And the fact that Kevin doesn't need to vent and cry over our baby girl made me mad.
After brewing all night, asking questions, etc... I had a quiet time the next morning and came to two conclusions:
1) Kevin is not to be, nor should EVER be, the source of my strength, my comfort or my healing. That is God's job, and He's good at it.
2) I still need him. To lean on, be there for me, and, even if he doesn't "get" the extent of my grieving, or share it to the level I have to do it, he IS there for me, and he loves me and that will never change. I still need to share it with HIM - Kevin - and not shut him out. He truly is my best friend, my favorite person in the world. He gives me perspective, holds me accountable to Truth, and loves me better than anyone in the whole world, with the exception of Christ.

So, even though it feels that the world is playing cruel jokes on me, pulling and tugging at my heart, taking advantage of my grief, trying to make my life a living Hell, GOD has bigger plans, more power and ME at the center of it. He gives me SO much! I never doubt that. I never doubt that He has a plan, that there is more than meets the eye, more than I can comprehend, more for my family, for ME than I can see... maybe it had to do with the fact that I was going to have my tubes tied, that he wanted us to have more than one more child, or that Morgen's story was going to be tantamount in helping 1000's of young women make the right CHOICE in choosing life for their baby, even if it seemed like a mistake, or maybe it was for a myriad of reasons that I haven't even thought of and maybe never will.

What I do know, though, is that grieving doesn't negate faith. I have said that before, I guess, but it's still true! Grief and Faith walk together to bring healing. Without grief, faith is hollow, untested. Without faith, grief drags you into a hole and never lets you out, taking away any meaning/merit to life.