Oh the blessings abound! Lately, even in chaos, I look at my children and realize what precious, wonderful miracles they are... we are never promised, as parents, that our children will come out healthy or even come out alive. So, as I look at my kids these days, I wonder and marvel at God's goodness. I have a huge fear that lives in the back of my head that one day one or all of my children will be either taken from me or take ill and not get better.
As I hold Katie and talk softly with her before laying her down for her naps, I find myself not wanting to lay her down at all... for when I lay her down, she will be there for at least an hour, and I will lose that hour with her. She will be older, and that much closer to not needing her mommy. Soon enough the day will come when she can do things on her own, and I won't get those smiles that take her entire body to produce.
Knowing that I will never carry another child, and probably not raise another baby (not ruling out adoption at this point) puts me in a stange place... I want to take in every smell, every crevice and pore, every sweet look, and every crazy moment with my kids. I don't want to miss any of it... the days when it's just me and Kevin are too close at hand.
SO today, I capture a little of that time here... I want to remember the dimple in Katie's nose, the face she makes when cooing (her nostrils flare slightly and her eyes squint and her mouth kind of puckers); I want to remember Emily's flare for dancing and for learning so much on her own, her kindness, even when confronted by her little brother (okay, even she has her limits); I want to remember the way Ethan's eyes droop when he doesn't feel well, and yet he will do his "booty dance" and smile the smile that only he can... eyes sparkling and dimples showing... lighting up for only me; to remember that he is learning phrases and concepts at lightening speeds these days... understanding so much more than we give him credit for until he blows our minds with something else.
These are the days...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I love your perspective, Shan. You can tell how you love each of your children so differently and so completely. Katie is your baby...the one who makes you reflect...perhaps the last, and you love her for that. Ethan because he's the boy, different from the girls, silly and bold, and Emily because she is your first little love.
I always wondered how that worked! I guess I got a little insight from this...thanks!
I so loved what you wrote! I love savoring each moment as well as taking a deep breath when the moments become to intense. Hugs to all of you!
mmm. i understand. motherhood is a weird place of holding, letting go, fear, trust, love and pain... it's such a mystery.. such a thing that is always evolving...
hmm. i should go kiss my kids
still here.
thanks for your patience with me.
i'm feeling decent today, not well, but decent.
thanks for your love.
even in my silence.
Post a Comment