I know.  You're (all) saying, "wow... a new post??!!  could it be?

and yet, I am not feeling it lately...  when I get the actual chance to sit and write, nothing comes. When I feel witty and free enough to write, I either don't have the computer or the kids are on it.  

I guess facebook will have to do for now... maybe I will find my way back to you...

I do have some seemingly exciting news, however...  two pieces of it!

It really, truly looks like this will be our last summer in Texas.  No, really.  We are aiming for August to leave and head for Sioux Falls, South Dakota to plant a church - a vision that has been nearly 9 years in the making.  And for that to happen, a LOT of things have to fall into place.

the second piece of news is that after a couple years of asking, waiting, nearly begging, I may indeed get to have a weekend (Friday evening to Sunday morning) to myself!!  It is going to be my birthday present from my wonderful fam.  I just want to hole up, spend a realllly goood time with the Lord, ( a "REAL" quiet time that isn't interrupted) rest, sleep, pray, relax, not hear "moooommmmy!!!" for nearly 40 hours...  it sounds like heaven.  I was telling a friend about it and a lady listening in said that she had a day like that once and just got bored.  I told her, "I'm willing to take that risk!"   Bored sounds good... and really being anxious to see my family sounds wonderful, too...  ya know??  I LOVE them to pieces, wouldn't change anything (much) about our lives, but I just need, really need some time by myself... to just BE myself.

Bring on the boredom!

There is a girl at our church that just lives to make her life more complicated and make sure everyone knows about it.  Nary a positive conversation with her.... I find it hard to love her, but am trying desperately to do so, and to help her...  when she makes comments about ways that make her life more difficult, I try to (teasingly, lovingly, yet motherly/sturnly) tell her that she is doing it to herself and direct her to a better way.   She hasn't had an easy life by any stretch, (who of us has?) but she makes it so much worse with her behaviors. 

Why am I talking about this??  I guess for a couple of reasons... I need to find a way to love her more... I need to pray for her more.  I wonder if you have someone in your life that is "difficult" and wonder how you deal with them.

Couponing, CVS

I guess it's time for a new post, since this will become my main blog from now on...

it's amazing to me how I can think in blog terms all day, all week all month and then when I get on to post canNOT think of any of those wonderful things that I wanted to blog about!!

I think I am becoming "that lady"...  you know the one - she is at the checkout with her store flyers, coupons and makes you feel like you're gonna be late for whatever incredible stop that you have next - and in reality, those few minutes won't make any difference in your schedule - (ANYWAY - yes, I feel guilty, yes, I let ppl in front of me if I know it will take a while) HOWEVER, I am saving over $100 a month on my grocery and household bill and you wish you were too, but think it will take too much time/effort that you THINK you don't have, but if you were making $25 an hour (which is what it comes out to) you might think differently...

Yesterday I was brilliant at CVS...  I got $70 worth of merch for $8.19!  Hair color, granola bars, fingernail polish (2 free!), shampoo and conditioner, mouth rinse, clearanced Easter gifts for next year, etc!!   In one transaction I had to get a $1 nail clipper so that they didn't owe ME money!  My first one was $38 and I paid $1.19 and my second was $32 and I paid $7... AND I walked out of there with $6 in free money for next time!  seriously, folks, you are wasting money if you don't try this...  I'm not even talking store brands!  It's L'Oreal, Pantene, FiberOne, Colgate...  You should NEVER pay full price for most of this stuff.  If you have the money that you don't NEED coupons, sales, etc... then think of what you could do with that money to either make it grow or bless others or further the Kingdom of God if you saved it anyway!!  Either way, I believe it's nearly irresponsible.  

I can't get enough...

Oh the blessings abound! Lately, even in chaos, I look at my children and realize what precious, wonderful miracles they are... we are never promised, as parents, that our children will come out healthy or even come out alive. So, as I look at my kids these days, I wonder and marvel at God's goodness. I have a huge fear that lives in the back of my head that one day one or all of my children will be either taken from me or take ill and not get better.

As I hold Katie and talk softly with her before laying her down for her naps, I find myself not wanting to lay her down at all... for when I lay her down, she will be there for at least an hour, and I will lose that hour with her. She will be older, and that much closer to not needing her mommy. Soon enough the day will come when she can do things on her own, and I won't get those smiles that take her entire body to produce.

Knowing that I will never carry another child, and probably not raise another baby (not ruling out adoption at this point) puts me in a stange place... I want to take in every smell, every crevice and pore, every sweet look, and every crazy moment with my kids. I don't want to miss any of it... the days when it's just me and Kevin are too close at hand.

SO today, I capture a little of that time here... I want to remember the dimple in Katie's nose, the face she makes when cooing (her nostrils flare slightly and her eyes squint and her mouth kind of puckers); I want to remember Emily's flare for dancing and for learning so much on her own, her kindness, even when confronted by her little brother (okay, even she has her limits); I want to remember the way Ethan's eyes droop when he doesn't feel well, and yet he will do his "booty dance" and smile the smile that only he can... eyes sparkling and dimples showing... lighting up for only me; to remember that he is learning phrases and concepts at lightening speeds these days... understanding so much more than we give him credit for until he blows our minds with something else.

These are the days...

Baby Talk...

This baby seems to want to come out the top! There is "something" - a foot, an elbow, a knee - poking way at the top of my belly all the time. We have definitely moved on from the karate kicks to the rolling around. Sometimes she is so active I get to the point of feeling motion sick! At the BattleCry, I had to get up and walk around to put her to sleep just so I could feel better.
She also seems to like when someone has their hand on my belly... she refuses to "perform" when there is a warm hand there... Kevin has only felt her move a couple times and Emily a couple times... it's hard to catch her in the act, even if she's been bouncing off the walls for a long time. Ihave to assume it's a comfort to her, and not that she just doesn't want to be touched.

We're almost at the one-handed countdown! It is soooo hard to believe. I think I have felt a little of this with each pregnancy, but I still feel a little disconnected from Katie. Of course that sets me up for worry - can I love enough? Am I so worn out that I won't be a good mom to her? I know that when I hold her in my arms all those doubts and questions will go out the window.

Entering a new world for me... hemmorroids... at least I am assuming that's what it is... I know, TMI... so I won't dwell here.

Emily made a comment the other day that she was being replaced as the "princess"... I mentioned it to Kevin since he was the one giving Katie that moniker, and he cleared it up for Emily that she is always going to be the first princess and that we will have two, now.

Hopefully tomorrow we will have a date planned for the C-section. This planner would love to have a date... even if it turns out differently.

We are really trying to get some things done around here... we have so many big things and little things to purchase, do and plan... and soooo little time to get it all done... we have two Saturdays tentatively "open" before Katie comes, and that's a little scary... between weddings, drama training weekends for GE and a plethora of other commitments, it's a little overwhelming.

Hoping the fam will take a look at the baby registries we have set up at Target and Amazon... but not counting on it. So, one of those Saturdays will be a trip to Dallas to purchase an infant seat and crib, etc...

well, I have babbled enough, I think... Hope your week is going well!!

A new post!?!

Yeah, I figured if anyone still check in here, you deserve a new post!

I have less than 10 weeks before I can squeeze this little one inside of me... I am excited, nervous, and delirious...

Excited to see the culmination of God's handiwork. To look into those eyes and love on this little baby girl.

Nervous, because I am not sure how I will react. Will I look at her, wondering about Morgen? Will I expect more out of her because she wouldn't even BE if Morgen hadn't died? Will I be able to hold onto Morgen, and still love this precious baby the way she deserves to be loved?
Maybe all of the above at one time or another.... but I do know that God is so much bigger and more gracious than I. That He will hold me.\

Nervous also because we don't have much for this little girl t come home to... All of our large purchases for baby came when we had Emily more than 8 years ago and they are all falling apart, after going thru Emily, Ethan and a couple friends' kids... SO, we have some new purchases to make.. hoping the money will hold out and God will help us out with some great deals.

Delirious, because I have been sick, and have horrible allergies this season. I am experiencing a little relief, due the the purchase of Claritin, but I hate putting things in my body... I wouldn't be doing it if I hadn't been so miserable for more than a week.

Delirious with joy because little Katie is a mover and a shaker... she love to tumble and roll, kick and push... and to a mom who has lost that feeling once before and wonders if every kick could be the last one, it is a joy.

Yeah, her name is Katherine Faith. Katherine means "pure"... and the faith part is to go along with Morgen's middle name of Grace. Since Emily and Ethan have the "E" thing going together, I wanted to last two to have something in common, too... We have decided to call her Kate or Katie...but Emily wants to call her Kit or KitKat. I told her she is welcome to do that... I am sure this little girl will have all kinds of loving nicknames...

So, yeah.. in less than 10 weeks we will have another miracle to celebrate!

Here comes the sun!

Wow...I feel like a new person.
I am not exactly sure what happened, but Friday, there was breakthrough.

The clouds have parted and I can see Light again!

I have discovered a few things:
The pain that Adrienne and Jason are going thru was a small catalyst that added to my distress...
That Worship music is soothing to the soul.
That my friends are amazing...

thank you to those of you that prayed, that sent me emails, encouraging and hiney-kicking...

God is so faithful!

Siezed by worry...

Since last Thursday, I have felt like something is wrong... that maybe this baby isn't alive anymore...

That was five days ago, and today, I am in a full sweat. Most of my first trimester symptoms are gone. No nausea, no soreness in my chest.... it's just been replaced by worry.

I even had a dream last night that I was on some sort of journey, and I knew that at some point along the way, I had lost by baby. I was spending most of the dream retracing my steps to find out where it happened.

If this baby is gone, we won't be trying again... I can't do it again.

A walking dichotomy

I feel like two people! Sometimes laughing, "normal".... but most of the time, just melancholy, and not the good, organized, perfectionist kind...just the sad, blah kind.

Where is my joy? The knowledge of Christ alone should make my heart swell...and yet, all I find when I look inside is gray.

Seeing how Adrienne and her family have gone thru this trial with their baby Noah, and how they have lived it in perfect faith just shames me. I feel like the first few weeks after losing Morgen that I was so close to God, that My faith had changed for the better, strengthened by God's peace... and yet, it was short-lived. Now I seem to walk in negativity and even bitterness at times. I want to walk in joy and appreciation! I want to feel the warmth of joy in my heart.

I have fallen so far... am I really holding onto Morgen so tightly that I haven't let go enough to find joy again? I can't even find excitement about this new pregnancy! All I can think of are the pains and the discomfort... this baby deserves more from me... will I ever be 'not tired' enough to enjoy what is happening again?

Is it real, or is it Memorex?

At least with Memorex, you get the "same" thing... with me, you never know! Sometimes I think at my core, I am just a liar.

Why is it that I KNOW how to live, can TEACH someone the right way to live, but can't seem to be able to DO it myself???

I have asked God for a hunger for Him and His Word...and I WANT to do it... I just haven't... I let other things get in the way all the time! Things that DO NOT MATTER! It's easier for me to put it off than to accept that fact that I doubt... Doesn't James say that if you pray with doubt, you might as well not pray at all??

What kind of example am I to my kids? What kind of life am I living? I had wanted to start the new year by reading Proverbs to my kids each day...setting them up in wisdom and faith... have I done that yet? NOPE!

On the outside, I am a very genuine. The real deal. No secrets, I will be honest about anything... so why do I have such a hard time living out my private life? Isn't that hypocrisy? I hate that Christians give God such a bad name...and last night, my last thoughts were that I am among the worst... if someone could see into my private life, they might be appalled... I know I am.

I found myself missing Morgen this weekend. After 8 months, I have thoughts all the time of how my life would be different, had she survived. I would have three children, not two, and one would be an infant... life would probably be a little more difficult, but I would give anything to have her in our family.

There is a couple in our small group that has a daughter that is EXACTLY Morgen's age, had she lived. I find myself drawn to her, quite often. But, she is her own person, not my daughter, and I am not saddened by her, just reminded of what Morgen would be doing at each stage.

I find so many emotions, some days... Monday nights I go to the gym to work out. That is also Living Alterntives night for the pool. Living Alternatives is a ministry that takes in teenagers that have become pregnant. Early on in my gym time, I would find myself near tears that these young women who made such a mistake could carry their babies to term, deliver them and decided whether they were going to raise them or not. It would make me angry that someone who didn't think about their actions could have the privilege of being a mom.

Recently I found myself staring at the reality that it's not just about them, but the fallen world that we live in. That they don't need my anger or my judgement but my prayers that their future decisions would be better than their past. That God loves them, no matter what, and that I should, too. That I need to pray that their hearts are soft (many of them look SO hard ont he outside), and that they would let down their guard to Christ.

There was another tragedy just after we lost Morgen. A local pastor and his wife lost their newborn son to suffocation just 9 weeks after he was born. I consistently think of them and pray for them when I drive by their church. I want them to know that someone else thinks of their son. That I hurt for them, too...

The pain has lessened... I even have many days in a row when Morgen is not in my conscious thoughts... and that brings on guilt when I remember how long it has been.
What is NORMAL??? Does anyone know??

Balance?

How do we balance taking care of those that are dying IN Christ and those that are dying WITHOUT Christ?

I have noticed, lately, that we spend so much energy taking care of people that are hurting, have cancer, or have some other problem...and they are Christians. As part of the Body, I believe this is essential to fulfill our duties in the Church... to take care of each other.

HOWEVER, it makes me also wonder about how much energy we are expending on making sure that those who are living without Christ don't die without him. Are we doing all we can, praying all we can, to make sure these people, who actually need us more than those in the church do, don't die without that salvation?

I am just as guilty as anyone, maybe more so, knowing that my siblings need Christ, and are making such horrible choices in their quest for happiness...

My questions are: when to open my mouth when they do something destructive, when to risk our relationship, when to keep it shut and make the most of other opportunities... HOW do I approach them about issues, make the most of every opportunity to love them...

Why isn't my heart breaking for them more? Why do I have thoughts that they're just on their own? That nothing I do matters?

Ever since we were kids, I haven't had great relationships with any of them, and when I became a Christian and made other choices than theirs, or questioned their choices, I just became a "priss"...and sometimes called worse than that. I thought when we were adults that would change, but I am so far away from them, and feel like they don't want to hear my point of view, and yet, there are glimmers of hope. They tell me the things in their lives, even when they know I won't agree with them, perhaps testing me to see if I will still love them?

I know God has a plan, and that I and my family are part of it. When Emily was born I felt like God told me that she would be instrumental in their salvation. I pray that when we move closer, that we will have more opportunity to love them closer to Him...

Is it peace that passes understanding...

or is it joy exceeding?? God promised us both, and right now I can't tell which one it is...

In the midst of chaos, God gives and gives... to overflowing. I have such joy, such peace right now... some of that could be that Ethan's surgery is over and he is fine... a little tender/uncomfortable, but fine.

Thanks to each of you that have prayed for our family over these last 7 months... it has been rougher than anything that I could have imagined, and it continues to be a tiresome journey, wiht battles to be won, but it's the battle marked out for us, and we will follow it... and win.

6 Months

It's been six months since I said goodbye. Does that mean that I shouldn't grieve anymore? I guess by reading only this blog, you might think that Morgen is all I think about, and that I must grieve all the time... I DO think about her often. And a lot of the time with a smile. That little girl, though she wasn't full-term and I never got to know her beyond her activity level early on in the womb, still left her mark on history. One day, young women will stop and think about their decision to abort what they think is not even a living thing and their eyes will be opened to the fact that they are carrying a precious part of themselves that has a destiny and a purpose...

I am ever-aware of the multitude of friends that I have that have recently had children, are nearing parenthood, or expecting another child... that isn't what hurts my heart...it's that we were supposed to be doing it together... going thru those things together... if I had remained pregnant, Christina, Kathy and I would have all been pregnant at the same time...something none of us had ever thought possible... as it is, we missed it by two weeks...three tops...

Last night I stumbled upon a notebook that I had been using a while ago... there was a period when I felt the Lord say, "test Me and see that I am God"... so I wrote down some things that I was going to believe Him for.... in particular, I had been worrying about our move and a home... so I wrote what I wanted in a "perfect" home for my family... but then I wrote down other things at a later date... in that list I wrote, "a healthy baby"... when I read those words I was crushed... not my faith, but definitely my spirit... I only wrote that because I was pregnant... I didn't really think that I had to write it...I thought of it as pretty much a done-deal... my baby would be born and he/she would be perfect, just like the other two had been... with them I had worried and fretted all the time... with Morgen I just didn't. The thing is, Morgen, at least to the eye, WAS perfectly healthy. Maybe there was something wrong inside of her, but it was the umbilical cord that brought about her death. So I guess my prayer was fulfilled...a healthy baby.

I wanted to take the time to cry, to grieve, to mourn... but I didn't...for a couple of reasons that I won't go into. But thankfully, my wonderful husband told me about a chapel service they had a couple of weeks ago, where he couldn't even sing, because of the song, Blessed be Your Name... in it, it talks about the highs and the lows...and then the bridge talks about God giving and taking away... this song has brought on more tears than I can count, because now, more than ever in our lives, we know the pain that those words are about... we thought we knew 'lows', when we would sing that song before....but now we KNOW we know those lows...

I have found myself showering love onto my two living children that would have been given to Morgen. That might be hard to understand, but I can feel it... there are times when I think of her and want to love on her, hold her again, touch her skin, and all I can do is hold her in my heart. And then there are times when I am playing with Emily or Ethan and I just know that what I am doing is giving them the love I had in my heart for Morgen... I know it doesn't make any sense to anyone but me, but it's true...

I know that I am the only one that thinks of her.... no one else does... not my husband or children, not anyone else in the world thinks of my little girl on a regular basis... no one was as close to her as I was, so I guess it's understandable... but I cannot... will not forget...

okay, ramble over....

Promises

When I look into Your Holiness
When I gaze into Your loveliness
When all things that surround become shadows, in the Light of You

When I've found the joy of reaching Your heart
When my will becomes enthralled in Your love
When all things that surround become shadows in the Light of You

I worship You
Lord the reason I live, is to worship You (and You alone)


Lord, I WILL trust in Your promises, even when everything around me calls You a liar and my heart doubts the Truth...

Truth:
You Love me, you REALLY LOVE ME...ME!
My children are blessed, my grandchildren are blessed, because of my faithfulness!
I am set apart
I am not a mistake, I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made
You want to LAVISH love on me!
You will meet ALL my needs
There is a hopeful future planned for me
You think about me and dance because of thoughts of me
You want to give me the desires of my heart
You carry me close to Your heart
You wipe the tears from my eyes, saving them as the treasure that they are
My children will be mighty in the land
Even in darkness, light dawns for me
Good will come to me when I give freely
I will never be shaken
I will be remembered forever
I have no fear of bad news
I will look in triumph on all my foes
I have life and favor from the Lord
I was chosen
I am called to hope
I am God's workmanship
I can approach God with CONFIDENCE
I am a citizen of Heaven
God WILL complete the work he started in me
I will suffer for Him

And OH! so much more.....!

I have always gotten caught up on the "if..Then"s in the Bible... you know, "if you _____, then *insert promise here*" I felt like I didn't match up to the "if"s, so I couldn't accept the promises, either... Well, no more! That was a ploy from the PIT of hell to keep me defeated...I am NOW going to speak life into myself, to live those "if"s and accept those Promises, so wonderful, plentiful and amazing.... I AM that righteous man the Bible talks about...I AM faithful! I have been thru Hell on earth (the worst it can get will be here on earth, right? I can take it!) and have come out the other side, knowing God's faithfulness, His provision, and though there is more to walk through, He will provide and I will survive! We will suffer, some more than others, and I relish the thought...if we are suffering, then we are doing something right! No, I am not a glutton for punishment, but if I am being hunted by the Prince of darkness, then I must be a pain in the butt for him, and that's a great thought...

I choose to believe the promises... a little hell for 80 years, and life everlasting in paradise...I think I can take that!

It's a cruel world...but God is bigger

When I opened my email this morning there was an email telling me what I could expect from my newborn this week. ha! Me, in my ever-loving quest for knowledge had set up emails for the age of my growing baby... and today it hit me square in the face...it's a cruel world... the same mantra that I have been quoting over and over for more than a week...

With more than 7 friends...yes, FRIENDS, not acquaitances, not strangers, FRIENDS, either due, VERY soon due, or having given birth recently, I find myself at odds... I am so INCREDIBLY excited for these little people to be born. And yet, I am hit over and over with the fact that I should be going thru it, too.

This weekend, Kevin and I were (FINALLY!) able to get away. Since losing our precious girl, we haven't had more than a couple hours at a time to be alone. Thanks to Teen Mania Christmas, we had two nights in Embassy Suites in Dallas. It was a much-needed time to just BE. We, well, okay, I was able to do some much-needed venting, mourning and processing, sharing my thoughts, fears and dreams with my best friend.
Friday night we stopped at an outlet mall. As we were walking thru Gap, I walked thru the kids' department, ever watchful of the best deal in kids' clothes... and stumbled upon the baby girl clothes... first, I just tried to think of the baby girls in my life, like Annabelle Garrett...then it hit me that I would be looking for clothes for Morgen, going nuts to build her wardrobe, had we not lost her. It jump-started the tears, and by the time Kevin came out of the dressing room, my eyes were welling up. As soon as he touched me, they started to flow, and by the time we got in the car, they were uncontrollable. It spawned a much-needed conversation on the difference in our grieving. And the fact that Kevin doesn't need to vent and cry over our baby girl made me mad.
After brewing all night, asking questions, etc... I had a quiet time the next morning and came to two conclusions:
1) Kevin is not to be, nor should EVER be, the source of my strength, my comfort or my healing. That is God's job, and He's good at it.
2) I still need him. To lean on, be there for me, and, even if he doesn't "get" the extent of my grieving, or share it to the level I have to do it, he IS there for me, and he loves me and that will never change. I still need to share it with HIM - Kevin - and not shut him out. He truly is my best friend, my favorite person in the world. He gives me perspective, holds me accountable to Truth, and loves me better than anyone in the whole world, with the exception of Christ.

So, even though it feels that the world is playing cruel jokes on me, pulling and tugging at my heart, taking advantage of my grief, trying to make my life a living Hell, GOD has bigger plans, more power and ME at the center of it. He gives me SO much! I never doubt that. I never doubt that He has a plan, that there is more than meets the eye, more than I can comprehend, more for my family, for ME than I can see... maybe it had to do with the fact that I was going to have my tubes tied, that he wanted us to have more than one more child, or that Morgen's story was going to be tantamount in helping 1000's of young women make the right CHOICE in choosing life for their baby, even if it seemed like a mistake, or maybe it was for a myriad of reasons that I haven't even thought of and maybe never will.

What I do know, though, is that grieving doesn't negate faith. I have said that before, I guess, but it's still true! Grief and Faith walk together to bring healing. Without grief, faith is hollow, untested. Without faith, grief drags you into a hole and never lets you out, taking away any meaning/merit to life.

Pre-post

I feel the need to give you a pre-post post...

My real post is about Morgen. And I included her picture. Now, honestly, this blog site is for my raw emotion. For me to spill my guts. If you want my regular blog, the one that is safe, that I don't really care WHO sees, (hence the reason I only told a few people about this one) then you can go to www.xanga.com/seek4him ... if my negativity on this site makes you uncomfortable, or you feel the need to make me feel better, or to fix me, then go there... I don't want to be fixed. You can't do it. Only God can.

Along that line, however, I do honestly appreciate encouragement, thoughts, prayers, and comments...just don't feel like you have to give me scripture or remedies for my grief. they don't work. Only staying close to the One who breathes life does that. And I dont' believe that grieving negates anything that God wants to do, nor does it negate my trust in Him.

So, all that to warn you that you may not want to read the post I just wrote... I would love for you to, but I also know it's more for me than for you...

Blessings!!

Normal??

When I look at her picture, I can pretend that she is real. That she isn't just a memory. I can pretend that she is just taking a nap, in the next room, just waiting to be picked up by her loving mommy. That in just a few minutes she will need to be fed or changed, that in just a little bit, we can play together.

When I look at her picture, she is perfect. How could her life get cut short? There was nothing wrong with her. A freak accident took her life, took away my child, my little girl. Does a person ever get over that? Do you ever "let it go"? Do you ever stop wanting to tell people that you have three kids, not just the two that they can see? Do you ever stop wanting to let people know that it wasn't a mistake? That is wasn't my body rejecting her or a chromosome malfunction? That the cord that was supposed to give her life got wrapped around her tiny neck and choked that life from her? That the last time I felt her move, she was dying?

When I look at her picture, I see the hope of so much more. I look at her and know the promises God has for my children and my family. I see that God has plans. He didn't need my little girl more than I did. That's one of the most ridiculous things I have heard so far. He doesn't NEED any of us! But He does have something planned. Morgen didn't have to be here to make those plans a reality. She gets to spend eternity in the arms of the One Who breathes life. The One Who shelters, and loves and gives beyond reason. She never has to experience heartache, or loss or pain. She never has to fight for what she believes in and be sad that 'they' just "don't get it".

When I see her picture, I want to share it with the world, but wonder if they would see what I see. Would it be wrong to post it? I think I might... Anyone doubting that life begins before a baby actually enters the world and draws a breath can see the miracle of God's hand just by looking at her. That is part of Morgen's legacy, I believe. Is it selfish of me to want to share her?

Feeling Blessed even in the midst of pain...

God is sooooo good! How can I have such low days when He showers His love on me all the time?

Here are a FEW of the things that have been said to me in the last month:

• You guys ruined me...no TL ever measured up after you.
• You are the best family ever!
• Your heart blesses me
• You have no idea how valuable you are
• You never have to give me a "why" when you say no... I know that it is valid, because your knee-jerk reaction is always to say yes.
• I dont' know what I would do without you...
• I want you to be a part of my courtship, my engagement, my wedding...you are so important to me, and having your blessing is so important...
• You are like part of my family, only better.
• You can't leave, you ARE Teen Mania to me!
• You are the greatest mom in the world -- from my husband
• The way you show Jesus just blesses my heart.
• You have no idea how much you are loved.
• Thank you for showing me how to use drama to glorify God!

How can I put myself down or doubt my ability to make a difference when I get such affirmation?? Who gets that??? Do we tell people how much we love them? Do we tell them specifically how they have touched us?? I try. I send out lots of cards...but still not enough. I think it's time for me to go write a couple more.

Reality

Being just a few weeks away from my "due" date I am experiencing some more "spinneritis"... hi's and lows beyond my control. I cry easily, feel stressed out all the time, afraid of so much, and can't seem to sleep enough. I have been sick, so I have been trying to blame it on that, but I know that it's more pain than illness...

How long? How long can I chalk up my personality disorders... impatience, inability to focus, inability to correctly keep track of time (this morning feels like yesterday or farther away, etc..), to losing Morgen? I think about her so often. Wondering what she would look like at this point in the pregnancy, what she would be like in a couple years, the list is endless...

So many friends are having their babies right now. For the most part I am able to compartmentalize and just rejoice with them. But part of me is drawn to the "coulda been, shoulda been"... I SHOULD be pregnant and getting ready for my baby to be born, I SHOULD be complaining of swollen feet and not being able to move...instead, I am paying on bills that show that this little girl will never be a physical part of our lives, I am looking at pictures that only show part of the story, I am mourning a life that SHOULD have been... Going about my life like she never existed...except that I can't concentrate on anything for long. That's so not like me. It's like a new person has taken over my body. I am amazed that Kevin puts up with so much. He never knows what I will be like, but most of the time it's a negative person in my place... argumentative, afraid, treating my husband horribly, wanting to tune out the world.

I am pressed on every side by troubles, but I am not crushed or broken. I am preplexed, but I will not give up or quit. I am hunted down, but God never abandons me. I get knocked down, but I WILL GET UP AGAIN AND KEEP GOING. 2Cor 4:8-9