I found myself missing Morgen this weekend. After 8 months, I have thoughts all the time of how my life would be different, had she survived. I would have three children, not two, and one would be an infant... life would probably be a little more difficult, but I would give anything to have her in our family.

There is a couple in our small group that has a daughter that is EXACTLY Morgen's age, had she lived. I find myself drawn to her, quite often. But, she is her own person, not my daughter, and I am not saddened by her, just reminded of what Morgen would be doing at each stage.

I find so many emotions, some days... Monday nights I go to the gym to work out. That is also Living Alterntives night for the pool. Living Alternatives is a ministry that takes in teenagers that have become pregnant. Early on in my gym time, I would find myself near tears that these young women who made such a mistake could carry their babies to term, deliver them and decided whether they were going to raise them or not. It would make me angry that someone who didn't think about their actions could have the privilege of being a mom.

Recently I found myself staring at the reality that it's not just about them, but the fallen world that we live in. That they don't need my anger or my judgement but my prayers that their future decisions would be better than their past. That God loves them, no matter what, and that I should, too. That I need to pray that their hearts are soft (many of them look SO hard ont he outside), and that they would let down their guard to Christ.

There was another tragedy just after we lost Morgen. A local pastor and his wife lost their newborn son to suffocation just 9 weeks after he was born. I consistently think of them and pray for them when I drive by their church. I want them to know that someone else thinks of their son. That I hurt for them, too...

The pain has lessened... I even have many days in a row when Morgen is not in my conscious thoughts... and that brings on guilt when I remember how long it has been.
What is NORMAL??? Does anyone know??