I feel like two people! Sometimes laughing, "normal".... but most of the time, just melancholy, and not the good, organized, perfectionist kind...just the sad, blah kind.
Where is my joy? The knowledge of Christ alone should make my heart swell...and yet, all I find when I look inside is gray.
Seeing how Adrienne and her family have gone thru this trial with their baby Noah, and how they have lived it in perfect faith just shames me. I feel like the first few weeks after losing Morgen that I was so close to God, that My faith had changed for the better, strengthened by God's peace... and yet, it was short-lived. Now I seem to walk in negativity and even bitterness at times. I want to walk in joy and appreciation! I want to feel the warmth of joy in my heart.
I have fallen so far... am I really holding onto Morgen so tightly that I haven't let go enough to find joy again? I can't even find excitement about this new pregnancy! All I can think of are the pains and the discomfort... this baby deserves more from me... will I ever be 'not tired' enough to enjoy what is happening again?
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