6 Months

It's been six months since I said goodbye. Does that mean that I shouldn't grieve anymore? I guess by reading only this blog, you might think that Morgen is all I think about, and that I must grieve all the time... I DO think about her often. And a lot of the time with a smile. That little girl, though she wasn't full-term and I never got to know her beyond her activity level early on in the womb, still left her mark on history. One day, young women will stop and think about their decision to abort what they think is not even a living thing and their eyes will be opened to the fact that they are carrying a precious part of themselves that has a destiny and a purpose...

I am ever-aware of the multitude of friends that I have that have recently had children, are nearing parenthood, or expecting another child... that isn't what hurts my heart...it's that we were supposed to be doing it together... going thru those things together... if I had remained pregnant, Christina, Kathy and I would have all been pregnant at the same time...something none of us had ever thought possible... as it is, we missed it by two weeks...three tops...

Last night I stumbled upon a notebook that I had been using a while ago... there was a period when I felt the Lord say, "test Me and see that I am God"... so I wrote down some things that I was going to believe Him for.... in particular, I had been worrying about our move and a home... so I wrote what I wanted in a "perfect" home for my family... but then I wrote down other things at a later date... in that list I wrote, "a healthy baby"... when I read those words I was crushed... not my faith, but definitely my spirit... I only wrote that because I was pregnant... I didn't really think that I had to write it...I thought of it as pretty much a done-deal... my baby would be born and he/she would be perfect, just like the other two had been... with them I had worried and fretted all the time... with Morgen I just didn't. The thing is, Morgen, at least to the eye, WAS perfectly healthy. Maybe there was something wrong inside of her, but it was the umbilical cord that brought about her death. So I guess my prayer was fulfilled...a healthy baby.

I wanted to take the time to cry, to grieve, to mourn... but I didn't...for a couple of reasons that I won't go into. But thankfully, my wonderful husband told me about a chapel service they had a couple of weeks ago, where he couldn't even sing, because of the song, Blessed be Your Name... in it, it talks about the highs and the lows...and then the bridge talks about God giving and taking away... this song has brought on more tears than I can count, because now, more than ever in our lives, we know the pain that those words are about... we thought we knew 'lows', when we would sing that song before....but now we KNOW we know those lows...

I have found myself showering love onto my two living children that would have been given to Morgen. That might be hard to understand, but I can feel it... there are times when I think of her and want to love on her, hold her again, touch her skin, and all I can do is hold her in my heart. And then there are times when I am playing with Emily or Ethan and I just know that what I am doing is giving them the love I had in my heart for Morgen... I know it doesn't make any sense to anyone but me, but it's true...

I know that I am the only one that thinks of her.... no one else does... not my husband or children, not anyone else in the world thinks of my little girl on a regular basis... no one was as close to her as I was, so I guess it's understandable... but I cannot... will not forget...

okay, ramble over....