Reality

Being just a few weeks away from my "due" date I am experiencing some more "spinneritis"... hi's and lows beyond my control. I cry easily, feel stressed out all the time, afraid of so much, and can't seem to sleep enough. I have been sick, so I have been trying to blame it on that, but I know that it's more pain than illness...

How long? How long can I chalk up my personality disorders... impatience, inability to focus, inability to correctly keep track of time (this morning feels like yesterday or farther away, etc..), to losing Morgen? I think about her so often. Wondering what she would look like at this point in the pregnancy, what she would be like in a couple years, the list is endless...

So many friends are having their babies right now. For the most part I am able to compartmentalize and just rejoice with them. But part of me is drawn to the "coulda been, shoulda been"... I SHOULD be pregnant and getting ready for my baby to be born, I SHOULD be complaining of swollen feet and not being able to move...instead, I am paying on bills that show that this little girl will never be a physical part of our lives, I am looking at pictures that only show part of the story, I am mourning a life that SHOULD have been... Going about my life like she never existed...except that I can't concentrate on anything for long. That's so not like me. It's like a new person has taken over my body. I am amazed that Kevin puts up with so much. He never knows what I will be like, but most of the time it's a negative person in my place... argumentative, afraid, treating my husband horribly, wanting to tune out the world.

I am pressed on every side by troubles, but I am not crushed or broken. I am preplexed, but I will not give up or quit. I am hunted down, but God never abandons me. I get knocked down, but I WILL GET UP AGAIN AND KEEP GOING. 2Cor 4:8-9

saying NO

I am a martyr by nature....if there is anyone else around to put first, I will do it. And do it willingly, without a second thought. I will do it happily, without a thought to my own needs.

HOWEVER, if I don't have someone else to defer to, I cannot say no to myself. Why is that?? OH, how I want to say no to myself!!! the slightest inkling of a want, when I am alone, it's just a done deal. I like that shirt and it's a right size? Into the basket it goes! Have a breather from chores or work? Go grab a snack... Yikes! Those snacks and spending have caused so many problems!! My weight is horrible...worse than it ever has been, even pregnant! Funny thing is I haven't moved into a new size...how does that work?? I am sabotaging my exercise by eating junk! Aaaaaagghhhhhhhh! WHY WHY WHY

I write all this, because I know no one is reading. hahaha....my own personal journal of nothingness... but boy, is it honest!

another note on the martyrdom?? I find myself bitter...how mature is that?? I am not saying that I require tit for tat... but a history of giving without receiving makes me tired and apparently bitter... working on that. I have friends I am ready to have nothing to do with at this point... from sheer undependability and being the giver in every situation.

I am going to be eaten alive as a pastor's wife... I NEED outlets... I NEED to be able to talk to people about what is going on and get their input. I guess I just need to keep Kathy, huh? She is the one I dump to... Hope she can handle it!

My random utterings have been completed for the moment...you are free to go back to what you were doing now...

Chapstick

Chapstick has taken on new significance, and I didn't even realize it.

When I was in labor with Morgen, I needed chapstick really bad...all that breathing, you know! I happened to have on in my purse, so I was good to go. I applied and reapplied several times while I was in labor.

The other day, while at the gym, I was on the treadmill and breathing thru my mouth... I needed chapstick...That's when I realized that forever, chapstick will remind my of Morgen, or at least the weekend I said goodbye to her.

Yesterday marked three months since our loss. I had a rough day on Sunday. I just woke up ready to weep. By the time Andy (our pastor) asked me how I was doing on my birthday, I couldn't hold them in anymore. It was definitely a ten-kleenex (if not more) day. By afternoon, though, I had a beautiful call from a beautiful soon to be new mom, and I honestly felt better after talking to her...because she is someone I don't have to hide the negative feelings from. I am really blessed to have a few of those women in my life and one incredible husband that doesn't duck from my tears...I just wish those women were in my immediate vicinity!!

Kathy, Chana, Heather.... thank you. Need I say more?

The Battle Wages

I was just reading my email and I am set up to receive them from Pray4Kids...Every time I read their emails, I weep... I hate to admit that sometimes I don't open them, for that reason...It hurts so much to know that there are so many people in pain. Parents, children, fighting for their lives and/or their health. So many hospital procedures and bills, needles and tests and sometimes it's just not enough.

Today, as I prayed for little Josh, who has leukemia, I cried out to God and asked "why"... why doesn't He just intervene? Why do these children have to suffer and sometimes die? Why do parents that want a baby SO badly have to lose them? Why is it that people that neglect their children or hurt them GET to have kids? What about teens that are just being irresponsible? Why do THEY get to have kids and others have to suffer the losses?

I felt God, in the VERY MIDST of my questioning speak to me, saying, "the battle rages...and you are hated by the one who has nothing" He said, "hold on to Me...don't waiver or give up"
The presence of God and His peace does not negate or contradict the tears or the pain...they are still there...for all parents who lose babies or go thru such traumas with their children. The pain and grief is real and it doesn't just go away because time passes or people want us to be "normal"...NORMAL is different, now. NORMAL has forever been altered. It doesn't mean that we don't have moments where we appear to be the FORMER NORMAL, and maybe therein lies the problem...people can't see the tears that lie just under the surface, threatening to burst out at the slightest provocation; they don't see the pain that cuts when our closest friends try to "help" by preaching at us about God's will or having His peace or making us feel guilty for having our pain and not being able to keep it inside so that they feel better. The hardest thing in the world is to hold your dead child in your hands and have to say goodbye. That doesn't just go away because we have a "good" day or moment of joy.

I think I have figured out that when I don't have words directly from God, that the best thing to do is to let the grieving know that I don't have the answers, the words or know what I can do to help, except that I will be there to listen without advice, and that I will pray.

Please forgive my ramblings...just the honest pain coming out...sometimes that just seems to make things worse, I guess...but I want to remember these things when it's my turn to be a support and not just the griever.

The root of the pain...

Our little girl, Morgen, would have been 10 weeks from being born...her lungs would be able to use air, her brain would have started getting the indentations and grooves... she would maybe have hair on her head ( tho my babies tend to be bald for almost 2 years!)...

I have developed a yearning for Heaven that I only wished for before losing her. Now I have a daughter waiting to meet me.

A week or so ago, I was telling Kevin that "if only all this other bad stuff hadn't happened, I would have been fine. I was handling Morgen's death! I was doing it right, trusting God, leaning on Him..." and Kevin replied, "but Morgen's loss is the root of all the pain"... I hadn't actually let myself believe that truth. I thought I was doing so well and was just being "so mature". Funny how we can fool ourselves! He was so right. The loss of my little girl has me whirling and all these other things have merely kept me from being able to mourn her.

I am hoping that we are entering a new season. One where I can concentrate on good things, not just put out fires and worry about what horrible thing will happen next. One where I can mourn my daughter. One where I can be excited about the future, and maybe another baby.

Random things...

There is a beautiful sound coming into my home...the sound of a singin bird...the unfortunate thing is that it is also the same sound as the beginning of my cell phone ringer... so I have been on edge all morning, ready to jump up and grab my cell.

Ethan is on hour #2 of his SECOND nap already... coming from my "all boy", on-the-go all-the-time Ethan, I am a bit perplexed...except that he didn't have a nap AT ALL on Saturday. He usually puts off naps until 11 (if he has one in the a.m.) and then until after 2... so this is a little weird. It could be the lack of a nap Saturday, or a growth spurt, or teething side-effects... hmmm....

Emily just came in. She put on one of Kevin's dress shirts, with the sleeves tied off with ponytail holders and a tie around her neck, and delcared herself a scarecrow. How inventive and how beautiful her spirit... I love that girl! I hope I can be like her someday...

Weird dreams

I had a dream about us (my fam and our "team") in the jungle. Snakes everywhere. Emily's hand was caught in the mouth of a boa constrictor and I got it off her, but then it attached to me... when I got it off I had teeth marks everywhere on my hand and it had gone all the way to the bone. Snakes everywhere, and murky water that we had to cross to get places...and the boards we were supposed to use weren't reliable....hmmmm.....

I woke up and told Kevin we were never going to the jungle again. And I couldn't stop looking at my hand.

I was diagnosed with vertigo this week, and the medicine makes me so sleepy! I can't wake up in the morning, and I am dragging all day! uggghhh. Yesterday, when I got off the treadmill, I couldn't walk. I know it's usual to feel a little wobbly, but the vertigo was in FULL FORCE... it was a little scary. I guess I will take my meds before doing that again. (I hadn't taken them before going to the gym yesterday)

Gym Rat Wannabe

I am officially a Gym Rat Wannabe.
Today was my second day of gym workouts and I am hooked. I love it. The atmosphere, the 'peer' pressure, the feeling of "just a few more minutes"...

And I love our gym, because I can drop the kids off and not have to worry about finding a babysitter. They have childcare right there! It's also a Christian environment, with scripture coming over the speaker system occasionally, and paintings and scriptures everywhere you look.

Not sure what I will do with this site, now that I am back... I am having a hard time letting out all my REAL feelings, cuz I know no one understands and everyone just wants to "fix" me and see me be like I was "before"... we'll see how it goes.

Jealousy. It's an ugly thing.

Why do we get jeaous when God has enough of whatever it is we think we need to go around!
Why is it that when someone else gets what we want, we think that we can't have it, too?

What is it going to take for me to trust God? To trust that HE alone knows what I need and WHEN?

Why am I afraid? And of what? Of actually being happy and getting all I could never even think, ask or imagine?

How can I NOT trust the most trust-able One that ever was? Hasn't He proven Himself over and over and over ad infinitum?

It's fear again. That I will screw up the plans that He has. That I will make the wrong choice, say the wrong thing, go to the wrong place, not be able to live up to what it takes to succeed.

I am SO NOT the best parent, wife, homemaker, friend, pastor's wife and I am so sure that I never will be. I dont' have the drive, the whatever... without HIM, I am less than nothing! With Him, I have a fighting chance of raising relatively happy, well-adjusted children, have a wonderful marriage, be a decent pastor's wife when the day comes, and somehow be a good friend. The homemaker part I am not sure even God can help with....just kidding!

Oh, the ramblings of the fallen. And tired, and worn out, and slightly crabby.

Love and Respect

AAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggg!
What are we to do when the most valuable of relationships is hurting because of our own selfish needs?
Why can't we let go of OUR needs to meet the needs of the other person without feeling cheated or like we aren't being valued "enough"?
GOD! Help me to shed these selfish feelings and just love for Love's sake.

On a similar note, why can't we be vulnerable to the One who has our best interests at heart, letting Him take the good, bad and the ugly and turning it into the Grand and Beautiful? What are we so afraid of? Would it be so bad to bring up the yucky stuff long enough to get rid of it?

And if we DO let down our guard long enough to let God do what He does best, how do we get to that place? We let Him take us there and reveal, restructure and renew.

Oh, am I philosophical today, or what?
And yet, Truth is Truth!

Why?

Why do we as women accept the myth that we can never measure up?
Who is setting the standard?

We were never CREATED to have to be the perfect mom, most accomplished athlete, most successful businesswoman AND the smartest, most organized person in our world....

God's standard is SO different...He created us just out of the abundance of His heart, because He wanted us to share in a love relationship with Him...not some kinky, gross, thing....just a beautiful, fulfilling, relationship that completes us....filling that yearning, the empty spot that nothing can else can satisfy.

Instead, we let oursleves get caught up in the scarring things that were said or done to us when we were young, and we believe that we aren't beautiful, that we aren't capable or beautiful unless we are a size 4 with think, flowing hair and perfect skin, and have every duck in a row and perfect children.

THIS IS NOT REALISTIC AND DEFINITELY NOT WHAT WE WERE CREATED FOR....

more on this later, my friends....